


The Daily (And Probably Detrimental) Stress of Itachi Uchiha

by sssrha



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anbu Uchiha Itachi, Child Uchiha Sasuke, Crack, F/M, No Uchiha Massacre, Secret Organizations, Uchiha Shisui Lives, no beta this is complete stupidity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:01:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29588307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sssrha/pseuds/sssrha
Summary: Itachi's quit ANBU, Sasuke knows more than he lets on, Fugaku starts out calm but ends up insane, and Mikoto is the most awesome person ever. There's the discovery of a mysterious organization (which the Hokage decides to make the poor ex-ANBU investigate). Luckily, he's got some friends that are willing to help. All in a day's work for Itachi Uchiha!
Relationships: One-sided Original Female Character(s)/Uchiha Itachi, Uchiha Fugaku/Uchiha Mikoto, Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Shisui





	1. Sick Day

**Author's Note:**

> kjadljksdfjkl have fun this fic is a ride

"Itachi Uchi...ha..." Itachi's ANBU captain faltered at his name. He was taking roll and while it seemed like something that you would do for Academy kids (and it was), it was remarkably efficient for ANBU. It told the ANBU captains who had and hadn't survived the night, and who did and didn't decide to ditch. At least that's what they would say when a recruit asked.

In all honesty, at the end of every month, the ANBU captains gathered together and tallied whose team had the best attendance. The captain with the team that did got two full days off of duty, fully paid.

Itachi's captain, Ryota, had gotten exactly three paid vacations in his whole fifteen years as ANBU captain, all of which were thanks to his current team.

Anyway, back to the situation at hand.

Ryota stared at Itachi Uchiha, his mouth wide open. "Is something wrong, sir?" Itachi asked.

"Yes, Itachi, yes there is something wrong, and that something is the fact that you are dressed in your pajamas, sweating heavily, look extremely confused at your surroundings, and you, uh, look a little green." Itachi just stared at him. "Itachi, are you okay?"

"Of course I a-" Before he could finish, Itachi puked all over the floor. The same floor that the janitor had cleaned the night before.

Also, on a completely unrelated note, said janitor was then placed in a mental asylum.

Oh, the higher ups would NOT be happy. Ryota stared as Itachi heaved, then stood up. He looked sickly pale, but still somehow maintained an air of dominance.

"Itachi, I think you got the flu. It's been flying around the ANBU Headquarters. That's the reason your teammates aren't here. You know that you can send a scroll informing me of your current state of health and you would be excused, right?" Ryota paused. "Though I must admit, your symptoms are a little...overkill...for something as simple as the flu."

"Well, sir, this is the first time I've...uh...actually gotten sick."

"Well, that would do it. Your immune system doesn't know how to defend itself. And here I thought you were just immune to everything." Ryota sighed as Itachi threw up again. "I think you should take a sick day. Don't worry about ANBU, just get better."

Itachi nodded and stumbled out the door, too exhausted to argue.

Ryota looked down and wondered what poor sap would get sent to the asylum today.

* * *

"Itachi? Are you okay?" his mother fretted. She hadn't known he was sick until he stumbled through the front door and fell flat on his face.

"I-I'm fine. Just need some rest," Itachi mumbled. Mikoto nodded, then helped Itachi get up.

"I'll help you to your room."

* * *

"Is that Itachi?"

"Yes, Sasuke."

"Oh...is he alive?"

"Sasuke!"

"Is that a yes?"

"Of course he's alive!"

"Well, it was an honest mistake, Mother! He's not moving and he's not breathing!"

"He's not moving because he's asleep. And he is breathing, I'll show you. Also, Sasuke, you're acting different than usual. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, it's just that my thoughts have been clearer since this morning when-"

"OH MY GOD HE'S NOT BREATHING!"

"Ha! I tricked you!" Mikoto stared as her eldest son bolted up from bed, a giant, goofy grin on his face. She couldn't help but recoil a little bit. It was just so...unnatural.

"Okay, Big Brother is definitely sick. Mother, you hold him down while I get some of the gross stuff that always makes me feel better."

"NEVER!" Itachi yelled. And then, he was gone.

* * *

"If she wants someone to weed her grass, just tell her to apply for a mission. Genins will do it for her," Fugaku said while he signed a piece of paper. The man he was talking to bowed and left the room (finally) and he was by himself.

Fugaku picked up a large packet of papers. He tried reading them, he really did, but he eventually gave up, shrugged, and signed it.

That's when someone barged into his office. It was his wife, and she didn't look the least bit happy. Fugaku gulped. Mikoto was always so sweet these days. What kind of disaster made her this annoyed?

"Fugaku, there's something wrong with Itachi." She explained everything that happened.

Fugaku stared at her. "...what?"

* * *

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Shisui flinged a few more kunai at the targets. All of them hit the bullseye. He sighed. Today was his day off. He was supposed to be relaxing and having fun. Unfortunately, everyone he knew was preoccupied and everything he planned had involved at least one other person.

That's when he remembered that new movie that came out. It was about a world where there was no chakra. If he went right now, he might be able to get tickets...

"Shisui!"

Shisui turned around, startled. "Sasuke?"

Sasuke panted. "Shisui, I...need your...help. Itachi..."

"What happened to Itachi?" Shisui asked, immediately alert.

"He's gone...crazy!"

"...he was always crazy. Just a different type of crazy."

"Yeah, but now he's grinning and laughing and giggling and blowing raspberries and refuses to sit still so me and Mother can get some medicine in him. He even played a trick on Mom to make her think he was dead!"

"...are you sure that no one's impersonating him?"

"Yes."

"And that he's on under a Genjutsu?"

"Yes."

"And that he's not possessed by an evil, revenge-seeking demon?"

"Yes." Sasuke paused. "Well, at least I'm pretty sure."

"Right. He must be really sick or something." He raked his hand through his hair and sat down. He needed a minute to gather himself.

"What are you doing, you moron!" Sasuke shrieked, startling Shisui so bad he fell off the log he was sitting on. "I didn't run here all the way from my house to wait for you to get your bearings. Now go out and GET ITACHI!"

"Yes sir!" Shisui said out of reflex, then looked stunned. While the wording wasn't exactly the best, that voice. It was the voice of a leader. A Clan Head. Too bad Itachi already had that in the bag.

Well, he had it in the bag if he wasn't possessed by an evil, revenge-seeking demon. Shisui wasn't going to rule that out yet.

* * *

"Mom! Dad!" Sasuke waved frantically. His mother and father came running towards him and Shisui.

"Have either of you seen Itachi?" Fugaku asked, his voice strained.

Sasuke, shook his head, but then pointed at Shisui, "Shisui will find Big Brother. He and Itachi are best friends, so he has to find him." Sasuke turned to Shisui, his eyes big. "Right, Shisui?"

"Y-Yeah!" he said, trying not to bring down Sasuke's hopes. "I'll go find him right now!" He turned and ran, apparently forgetting that he was Shisui of the Body Flicker.

Sasuke turned back to his parents, a smirk on his face. "I knew that would work."

They both just stared at him.

* * *

Fugaku, Mikoto, Shisui, and Sasuke all sat around the dinner table, sulking. "We've looked for him all day," Shisui groaned. "It's already 9 PM. How have we still not found him?"

"Well," Mikoto sighed, "my baby IS part of the ANBU Black Ops. He's way too skilled."

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Fugaku muttered, "but right now, I really wish Itachi WASN'T a prodigy." Mikoto and Shisui nodded along.

Sasuke suddenly stood up, his eyes wide. "I got it!"

"You know where Itachi is?"

"No, but I think know what's wrong with him! It's called Chakra Gap!"

"What?"

"Well, Chakra Gap happens when someone uses their Chakra way too much, like Big Brother does all the time. Their chakra flow can slow down, or even stop completely! Luckily, Itachi's didn't stop, that would be deadly! When your chakra flow slows down, you get fever-like symptoms, like how Itachi was sick this morning! Some rest can fix a slow chakra flow, but sometimes it starts up again abruptly instead of gradually. This is most often found in children and adolescents. The sudden influx of chakra to the brain causes it's protein and hormone production to malfunction like crazy, and the chakra messes with the Frontal Lobe, the part of the brain that controls your personality, and thus causes abnormal behavior, like how different Big Brother was acting! It all fits! Itachi should be back to normal in anywhere from a day to a whole week...which could be bad..."

"...how did you know that?" Fugaku asked.

"Well, when Big Brother first joined ANBU, they gave him a booklet of illnesses so that the ANBU recruits would know if they're sick and what to do. I don't think he ever read it, but I did so that I could find out if anything was wrong with him. I forgot about it until now because there was never really a need for it, seeing as how Itachi seems immune to pretty much every bacteria ever. I guess he overworked himself, though."

"Good job Little Brother!" Everyone whirled around and saw Itachi, grinning like there was no tomorrow.

"Oh, there will be no tomorrow when I'm done with him," Mikoto said.

And now, dear readers, I will do a time skip because the fact that Mikoto can hear the narration scares me.

* * *

"Okay, so where were you?" Sasuke asked while Fugaku and Shisui dragged a furious Mikoto away.

"Well, first I went to the Jonin Lounge and gambled a bit-"

"Big Brother! Gambling? What were you thinking?"

Itachi shrugged. "I wasn't. Anyway, I won pretty much everything, earned myself a good 10,000 Ryo-"

"10,000 Ryo? How on earth is your luck so good?"

Itachi chuckled. "It better be pretty good. I deserve it after all the **** life put me through."

"Don't use bad words, Big Brother."

"Relax, Little Brother, no one's going to tell. Anyway, then I found your friend Naruto and helped him paint the Academy pink-"

"So THAT'S why it was pink..."

"And finally, I killed a few missing ninja who decided that breaking into Konoha was a good idea."

"Nice!"

"Thanks, Little Brother. Anyway, I'll go to bed now. Maybe you're right and this whole Chakra Gap thing will wear off tomorrow." Itachi turned and went up the stairs to his room.

* * *

"You're feeling better today?" Fugaku asked Itachi. Itachi nodded curtly. "Good."

"Ah, Father," Itachi said after an awkward silence. "I've...quit ANBU."

"WHAT?"

"Well, I did it yesterday when I was sick, and I don't think they will allow me back after what I...uh...said to the Head of ANBU Operations."

"...oh," Fugaku said in a faint voice, then stood up to join his wife, who was currently washing (and nearly breaking) the dishes. Itachi and Sasuke sat around the table.

"Did you know," Sasuke said casually, "that Chakra Gap doesn't exist?" Itachi's shoulders tensed, his arms trembling.

"How long have you known?" he asked quietly.

"Since the moment I saw you."

"Oh...I must ask, how did you come up with the Chakra Gap idea? It sounded pretty reasonable."

"Oh, I just used my head. It's been working a lot better since yesterday when Sakura accidentally elbowed me there during kunai practice."

"Okay then..." Another silence enveloped them, then, "Thanks for covering for me yesterday, Little Brother."

"No problem, Big Brother."


	2. The Sky is Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi, dead set on proving that he's not uptight, decides to play a prank. Unfortunately, it goes a little too far...

"Shisui?"

"Yes?"

"I heard that Izumo is doing something called 'The Self Improvement Plan'. What is it?"

Shisui looked at Itachi. "Well, basically, you ask people what your worst qualities are and you try to improve them."

"Oh," Itachi said. Then, "What are my worst qualities?"

"Itachi," Shisui said seriously, "you're only thirteen. Izumo is twice your age. You don't need to do the self improvement thing."

"But it's always good to improve yourself," Itachi said. Shisui sighed, knowing that he couldn't change Itachi's mind. Oh well, what harm could it do if he helped Itachi notice his flaws?

* * *

"Uptight my ***!" Itachi yelled as he punched the bark of the tree. It fell over. Itachi wasn't exactly strong...which made it all the more terrifying.

"Timber!" he heard someone yell. Itachi whirled around and saw Sasuke sitting on the ground behind him, eating an apple.

No, wait, it was a tomato.

"Sasuke, what are you doing here?" Itachi asked. Sasuke shouldn't have to witness his anger.

"Well, I was looking for you. Shisui said you stalked off after he told you your flaws, and I decided to let you take out some anger on the poor tree. At least we have some wood to build that tree house I've always wanted now."

"Well...I'm good now. Let's go." Itachi turned to march back to their house.

"Stop!" Sasuke said, and Itachi immediately stopped. Something in his voice...it was so much like Father's... "Itachi, you're not okay yet. You're still mad. Now, sit down so we can work this out." Itachi grudgingly nodded.

"Now, why are you mad?" Sasuke asked.

"Because Shisui said I'm uptight!"

"Why did he say you were uptight?"

"Because I asked him about my flaws."

"And why did you ask him about your flaws?"

"...so I could fix them."

"Exactly. Shisui tried to help you, now you need to do as you promised."

"But I'm NOT uptight."

"Sorry to say, Big Brother, but you kinda are."

"...stupid, traitorous Little Brother," Itachi grumbled, his arms crossed.

"Thank you, I do my best." Sasuke got up and started walking back to their house.

"Uptight, huh? How can I not be uptight..." Itachi got an idea. "Sasuke!"

"Yes Itachi?" Sasuke said as he turned around.

"How would you like to help me with a prank?" Itachi said, a devious grin on his face.

* * *

"Fugaku!" Mikoto greeted her husband, who had come home from work, with a strained smile. Fugaku frowned.

"What's wrong, Mikoto?"

"Well...you should see for yourself."

* * *

"Sasuke, the sky is blue."

"No, Big Brother, it's green."

"It's blue."

"Green!"

"Blue!"

"Green!"

"BLUE!"

"GREEN!"

Itachi and Sasuke's eyes flashed. They both started doing the same hand signs. "Fire Style: Fireball Juts-"

"ENOUGH!" Fugaku, who was watching from the side, yelled. "No fireballs! I don't need two fried kids! To think, you two used to get along so well." He came up to both of them. "Itachi, don't provoke Sasuke, he's your younger brother! And Sasuke, the sky is BLUE!"

"No, Father, it's green!"

"Have you looked up recently?"

"Father, it only LOOKS blue. On the color scale, green comes before blue. The constant flow of chakra to our eyes, combined with the radiation of the sun, makes our eyes observe the scale differently. Hence, the sky is green. People who've survived a Chakra Halt have admitted to seeing a green sky."

"With your reasoning, the grass would be yellow!" Fugaku said.

"No, the grass is green. The sky is only perceived as blue because of the different gases and layers of the atmosphere reacting with both the radiation of the sun and the chakra in our eyes. The grass is solid matter, no different gases or layers to react with. Though, the grass is greener to girls that it is to boys..."

"Then, what about the ocean?" Fugaku asked, slightly desperate.

"The ocean's color is just a reflection of the sky. It actually has no real color. However, Father, if you looked at the sky with your Sharingan active, you should see the sky's real color. You'll see that the sky is green."

"You're wrong and I'll prove it!" Itachi said. He marched outside and activated his Sharingan, then looked up at the sky. His jaw dropped open. "I-It's green," he stammered.

Fugaku looked at him incredulously. "What are you talking about, Itachi?" He activated his Sharingan and stood outside next to Itachi, staring at the sky.

* * *

The sky was blue. Fugaku could see that clearly with his Sharingan on. He was about to turn and scold the boys, but stopped. Doubts sprung up into his mind.

Sasuke's explanation made a lot of sense, and it had a scientific support. Also, Itachi was a prodigy. The best in generations, in fact. If Itachi saw the sky as green...could that mean that his own Sharingan is faulty?

No. He could not have his own children, let alone the rest of his clan, believe that his Sharingan was less than theirs. He was the CLAN HEAD, for god's sake, and he needed to keep up his authority.

So, he needed to lie. He turned to his children, mouth agape, and said, "The sky is green."

He didn't see both Itachi and Sasuke smirk.

* * *

Mikoto sighed. Couldn't her stupid husband see that their children were pulling his leg? Now he went and agreed just to assert his dominance.

Oh well. Mikoto decided to play along.

* * *

"Fugaku said that the sky was green!" one of the Uchiha elders yelled. "He claims that a proper Sharingan can see that!"

"The rest of the clan is agreeing just to not seem like their Sharingans are less than his!" another said.

All the elders started talking at once.

The Head Elder, Sarumi, banged her walking cane on the wooden floors. The rest of the eleven elders quieted and looked at their leader.

"Fugaku has put us in a bad situation. If we do not agree, then we will seem weak. That idiot has left us no choice. We must also declare the absurdity as fact!"

More mayhem erupted among the elders.

* * *

In the end, the elders also said that the sky was green.

* * *

"Hiashi!"

"What is it?" Hiashi asked the Hyuuga elder that approached him.

"It is the Uchiha! They said that they can see the true color of the sky with their Sharingan: Green!"

Hiashi stared at him incredulously. "The sky being green? That's absurd!"

"True, but they've belittled the Hyuuga!"

Hiashi raises his eyebrow. "How so?"

"By saying that the Sharingan can see the true color of the sky, they've made it seem like the Byakugan is less than their cursed eyes, for we never saw the sky as green!"

Hiashi's eyes widened. "You're right! Call all available Hyuuga for a meeting! That includes the Branch Family!"

* * *

"Lord Hiashi, are we really supposed to supposed to say that the sky is...green?" a Hyuuga asked incredulously.

"Are you questioning my judgement?" Hiashi said, glaring at the Hyuuga. The Hyuuga backed down.

"Hiashi," the Head of the Hyuuga Elders said, "the Branch Member has a point." He ignored when said Branch Member winced.

Hiashi faced the Head Elder, Ibori. "If we do not take extreme measures, others may see the Byakugan as lesser than the Sharingan and, by extension, the Hyuuga as weaker than the Uchiha. Is that what you want?"

Ibori glared at Hiashi, but backed down.

* * *

The very next day, the Hyuuga Clan declared that they, too, saw the sky as green with their Byakugan.

* * *

Itachi sat next to Shisui who was lying down on the ground.

"I can't believe the whole Clan thinks the sky is green. The Hyuuga piggybacked on, too. Who told your father that saying that was a good idea?"

"Yes, whoever said it must be incredibly-"

"Stupid." Shisui finished for Itachi.

"I meant to say awesome," Itachi said calmly.

"What do you mean by 'awesome'?" Shisui asked incredulously. "People think the sky is green! Who would be so stupid as to tell that to the Clan Head? And then there's your dad! Why would he believe some random Uchiha? He acts like YOU'RE the one who told him!"

Itachi smirked. "I did."

Shisui stared at him, mouth wide open, then smirked, too. "Huh, guess you're not so uptight after all. Great prank."

"It's also a great tactical advantage. It makes the village see the Uchiha as mightier. The Hyuuga just followed along. Other than that, it's perfect."

"Yeah," Shisui said, "until a proper expert comes along and proves that the sky is, in fact, blue. Then, both the Uchiha and Hyuuga's reputations will be ruined."

Itachi's eyes went wide. "****!"

"Don't worry about it, Big Brother, Shisui. I already thought about that." Itachi and Shisui turned and saw Sasuke leaning against a tree, eating a tomato.

"Really? What are you going to do?" Shisui asked. Sasuke shook his head.

"Don't worry about it. Just know that anyone that comes to the Uchiha Clan claiming that we're wrong will be...shut up."

Itachi, pushing aside the ominous feeling he got from Sasuke's words, asked, "What about the Hyuuga Clan? If word gets out from there, it can still hurt us."

"I have an...ally in the Hyuuga Clan. They'll take care of it."

Shisui raised his eyebrow. "And who, exactly, is this ally?"

Sasuke smirked and bit into his tomato. "Don't worry about it."

"You're saying 'don't worry about it' a lot."

"Because you shouldn't. Now, be good little Clan prodigies and go train." Sasuke turned around and walked in the direction of his house, taking another bite out of his tomato.

Shisui turned to Itachi. "No offense, Itachi, but your brother kind of scares me."

Itachi sighed and laid down next to Shisui. "Trust me, I know how you feel."

* * *

"Did you really-"

"Yes."

"You do realize that-"

"I do."

"They might-"

"I know what I'm doing."

"But still-"

"It'll be fi-"

"STOP INTERRUPTING ME!"

"Hey, keep it quiet!" The two people who were talking blinked and turned to the person who had just yelled at them.

One of the two laughed sheepishly.

"Yeah, sorry about that." They then turned back to each other.

"Fine, I'll be trusting you."

"I knew you would!"

"...why are you so cute?"

"Because the universe said so."

"Hmf."


	3. Underground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Itachi's first mission since quitting ANBU and he has to uncover an underground organization in Konoha that is selling information on shinobi. He soon finds out that it is much more complicated than that...

"Ah, Itachi, my boy, you're back. I assume that this is your first mission since you quit ANBU," the Hokage said. Itachi nodded, a smile on his face. "Are you sure that you're alright?"

"I'm as sure that I'm alright as I'm sure that the sky is green."

The Hokage's right eye twitched.

"Yes, well, let's move on...

"Itachi Uchiha, I assign to you this B, maybe A, ranked mission. I have intel that there is an underground organization in Konoha that is selling information on shinobi." Itachi's eyes widened. That was extremely dangerous. "It's your job to find out what this organization's goal is. Dismissed."

"Yes Lord Hokage!" Itachi took the folder that the Hokage had handed to him and left the room.

* * *

Itachi sat down in the living room, the folder in front of him. It had all the information on his mission. It was so much paper that Itachi felt sleepy just looking at it. He flipped open to the first page, then raised his eyebrows. Printed on it, in a large font, was "UNDERGROUND ORGANIZATION IN KONOHA IS SELLING INFORMATION ON SHINOBI."

Itachi turned to the next page and face-faulted. At the top, in tiny letters, was, "Sorry, but that's all we've got. You can keep the papers, though!" Incredulously, Itachi flipped to the other twenty to thirty pages.

Every. Single. One. Was. BLANK.

Anyone within the house could hear his rather...colorful thoughts.

* * *

Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage, who was watching the whole thing via his crystal ball, laughed sheepishly.

"Sorry about that, Itachi my boy."

He could hear the ANBU snickering in the shadows.

* * *

"Uggggghhhh..." Itachi groaned. He had just repeatedly banged his head on the table.

"What's wrong, Big Brother?" Itachi lifted his head up slightly to see his brother standing in front of his desk...eating a tomato.

Itachi, being as frustrated as he was, yelled, "WHERE DO YOU GET ALL THOSE STUPID TOMATOES?" Sasuke waited for Itachi to quiet down.

"I know a person..."

Itachi sighed, shaking his head.

"Sorry Sasuke. I'm just mad at Lord Hokage. He basically gave me NOTHING to work off of!" Sasuke grabbed the top paper, the one with the only information they had, and raised an eyebrow.

"Huh. Well, Itachi, I never thought this day would come, but it's time."

"Time for what?"

"Time for me to tell you a secret."

"...I don't think I want to know."

"Too late. You're already in too deep. Come with me."

"Huh?"

* * *

"Sasuke...why are we at the Academy?"

"Where we need to go is close to here," Sasuke said with a smirk on his face.

"What do you mean?"

"Well...just come with me." Sasuke grabbed Itachi's hand. They went to the Academy playground. "Now, where is she...there she is!"

He pointed towards the monkey bar and there, sitting on top, playing with a shuriken, was a little girl. She was wearing a plain white shirt, dark purple capris that went halfway-down her calves, and she had thick blond hair that was cut into a bob.

"Hey, Mina!" The girl looked up, then raised an eyebrow.

"What're ya'll doin' here at this hour? This ain't a 'come wheneva ya want' kind a park." Itachi's eyes narrowed at her accent, trying to pick it out. Ah, yes, it was from the Southern Land of Wind. In that case, she must be from a civilian family. Maybe the daughter of merchants?

"I ain't," the girl said, startling Itachi.

"Huh?"

"I ain't a civie," Itachi knew she meant civilian. "My pa's a merchant, but my ma's a Yamanaka. My pa raised me back in good ol' Osoro," a merchant town in the Southern Land of Wind, "but brought me back here when I turned four. Been livin' here evah since. Trainin' to be a ninja to prove that I am just as much a Yamanaka as them."

Itachi nodded awkwardly, then Sasuke said, "Mina, we need to get _there_."

She glanced at Itachi, then looked questioningly at Sasuke. "It'll be okay. I'll look after him," Sasuke said.

"'Kay, long as ya'll are fine..." she closed her eyes and made a seal with her hands, concentrating. When she was done, she opened her eyes and smiled at them. "They're ready for ya."

Sasuke walked towards the stone wall on the back of the playground. And then walked THROUGH the stone wall. And Itachi followed him because, since it was obviously a dream (please let it be a dream), what harm could it do?

* * *

Shisui, who was currently fighting a random Iwa nuke-nin, sneezed.

* * *

"Welcome back, Agent Fire. Welcome, Guest." Itachi stared at the man who was obviously another Yamanaka. He was about five years older than him (a civilian, judging from his lack of a headband), and had an eyepatch. He bowed to him and Sasuke. Itachi knew civilians tended to bow to the Uchiha, but this man was from the Yamanaka, another ninja clan. Ninja clans tended to not bow to one another, so why was he? Also, Agent Fire? That was probably Sasuke, since the Yamanaka has said "Welcome back"...but that meant he was Guest. He didn't want to be Guest!

"Agent Eye," Sasuke said, nodding in a show of acknowledgement. Sasuke walked briskly forward, and Itachi followed through what he had just noticed was a small hallway made entirely of metal. What had Sasuke gotten him into?

The Yamanaka, Agent Eye, didn't followed him, but stayed next to the stone wall. Itachi leaned over to Sasuke and whispered, "Why are you treating a Yamanaka like that? If it gets out, it might cause more tension between our clans."

"Agent Eye won't say anything. Besides, I'm his superior. I am well within my rights to treat him like that." Itachi sighed. He didn't think the pride of the Uchiha Clan had rubbed off on Sasuke this much.

"Sasuke, just because you're an Uchiha doesn't mean-"

"No, I mean, I'm actually his superior." He took out a random badge:

**Sasuke Uchiha**

**Agent Fire**

**Rank: UDC-B Agent**

**Clearance: Levels 1-16/21**

"...what?"

"It's my ID. Anyway, I'm a UDC-B, and he's only an IO-R. Hence, I'm his superior." Sasuke reached for the metal door.

"What is UDC-B and IO-R?" Itachi asked.

Sasuke smirked. "Don't worry about it."

He opened the metal door.

* * *

"Ugh! I can't believe he seriously left me without saying anything else! Is he stupid or something?" Suddenly, the girl's badge buzzed. Sighing, she picked it up. "Agent Purple reporting."

"Agent Purple, Agent Eye has just informed me that Agent Fire and a guest are coming. Thought you'd want to know."

"Thanks Agent One. I'll go...greet them."

"Ha, you do that. Over and out." The badge went silent. She stared down at it.

**Ino Yamanaka**

**Agent Purple**

**Rank: UIC-C**

**Clearance: Restricted Levels 1-12/21**

She really had to change her codename. Or maybe not. Purple's a pretty color, anyway.

* * *

"Welcome, Big Brother, to the Underground."

"Under-whoa!" Itachi's eyes went wide.

They were overlooking a huge cavern with hundreds of desks all separated by thin plastic walls. The sides of the cave were smooth, but the higher they went, the more cave-like they became. Hanging from the ceiling were hundreds of glowing stalactites (which gave pretty much all of the light there, which was a lot), some of which were as large as five horse-drawn carts, horse and all. To top it all of, they were at least a hundred feet up, and on either side of the five square-foot space they were standing in, was a set of stairs that descended down to the ground against the cavern wall.

"Stop staring, it scares the IOs," Sasuke said offhandedly, heading down one of the stairs. Itachi followed.

"IOs?"

"Don't worry ab-"

"I swear, if you say 'Don't worry about it' one more time, I will tell mother about what really happened to her favorite flowers."

Sasuke's eyes widened. "You wouldn't!"

"Try me."

"...I guess it's about time I tell you, anyway. IO stands for Information Overseer. Agent Eye was an-"

"IO-R, I remember."

"Yeah. R means that his access to information is highly restricted. Actually, he's only allowed have access to a tenth of the level one stuff."

"Okay...you said you were an UDC-B. What does that mean?"

"UDC stands for Under Direct Command. It means that I'm under direct command of the head of the Underground, Lord Differ," Sasuke paused as they reached the bottom of the stairs. "B is my clearance. I have unlimited access to everything on levels one through sixteen."

"And because of that, he thinks he's better than everyone else." Itachi turned and saw a girl around Sasuke's age approaching them. He immediately knew who it was. Ino Yamanaka, heir of the Yamanaka Clan. "Stop staring, it scares the IOs."

"But I'm not staring at them."

Ino leaned in closer and whispered, "Everything scares the IOs." She and Sasuke burst out laughing.

"What. Did. You. Say." Suddenly a horde of weapons flew at Sasuke and Ino, barely missing Itachi. It was a girl, maybe a Academy student?

"H-Hey, Agent Metal!" Ino said nervously, then grabbed Sasuke and Itachi's hands and ran into one of the many doors on the cave wall.

"Yeah, you better run!" Agent Metal yelled.

* * *

"Who was that?"

"Oh, that was Agent Metal, or Tenten. She's in the grade above us at the Academy and an IO-T. She has complete access to everything on level one, and is a little weapon-happy. Hates anyone who disses the IOs."

"Okay..."

"Agent Purple, I should probably say sorry-" Sasuke tried to say, but Ino interrupted him.

"You better say sorry! You completely ditched me!" Ino yelled.

"I forgot!"

"That's not an excuse!"

"Um, guys," Itachi said, "can you turn on the lights?" Indeed, it was pitch black.

"Oh, right."

* * *

"Welcome to the Room of Files!" Itachi stared at the hundreds of file cabinets in the room, filled with even more files. Not only that, but this was only the first floor. The elevator went up to twenty-one.

Then, Itachi asked the hundred-dollar question. "Why?"

"Right, I haven't exactly explained the whole thing to you, have I?" Sasuke said sheepishly. "Well, this the Underground, the organization that Lord Hokage was asking you to investigate." Itachi's face stayed passive. "Why aren't you more surprised?"

"I've known that for a while. What I meant is, why shouldn't I contact Lord Hokage right now?"

"W-What?" Ino said.

"This is obviously a very organized group running without the Hokage's permission. I know you have ranks, which means you have a lot of people to rank, and that you're information is in levels, which means that you have sensitive information. Give me one reason why I shouldn't call Lord Hokage right now."

Ino turned and glared at Sasuke. "This is your fault! Did you really think that bringing a former ANBU here was a good idea?"

"I was under orders!" Sasuke yelled. Itachi raised an eyebrow. Sasuke turned to his brother. "No more stalling, I guess, I'll take you to Lord Differ."

"Okay, the first thing you do when a threat is in your territory is gather intel, then eliminate, not bringing it near your leader," Itachi said.

"Well, the Underground was never a reasonable place," Sasuke said with a shrug. "Agent Purple, I think you have something else to do?"

"Yeah, and I'm behind now because of my compassion!"

"You mean your naïveté."

"...why are you so cute when you're being a jerk?"

"'Tis a gift. Bye, Agent Purple. Come on, Big Brother, I'll take you to Lord Differ where you can explain that you _come in peace_."

Itachi stayed silent.

* * *

After walking down a long hallway, Sasuke paused before he pushed open the monstrously large doors.

"Please be polite and not attack Lord Differ the moment you see him, or act dumb. It'll reflect badly on me." He didn't wait for an answer, pushing the doors open (how was he that strong?).

Inside, it resembled a castle throne room: the ceiling had huge arches, the windows were made of stained glass placed in pretty designs, and there was even a raised podium where a throne would go. However, there was no throne on the podium. It was empty, actually, except for the man, probably Lord Differ standing there. But Lord Differ...

"D-DANZO?" Itachi stuttered.


	4. DIFFERent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lord Differ is pretty sketchy, but that's not what Itachi's worried about. Why's the Hokage laughing maniacally?

"D-DANZO?"

The man stared at Itachi for a moment. Then, suddenly, he was curled up in the corner of the room, depression lines hanging over his head.

"Everyone thinks I'm Danzo," he muttered. "I don't look THAT much like him!"

Sasuke sighed and glared at Itachi. "Now look at what you did! He's moping again! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get him out of it?"

"What?"

"Ugh, Big Brother! This is all yo-" before Sasuke could finish, the doors behind them opened again, letting two people in. Itachi knew that they were Naruto Uzumaki and Hinata Hyuuga.

"Lord Differ?" Naruto stared at the depressed man, then sighed. He turned to Hinata, a hopeful look in his eyes. "Could you fix him?"

"N-No, I c-can't," Hinata said, stuttering. Though she didn't exactly look nervous, but instead look bored.

"Wait, why are you stuttering?" Hinata turned to Itachi, then looked at Sasuke questioningly.

"Just answer his question."

"F-Fine," Hinata said. "I d-don't know why, b-but I just d-do. I *-******* hate i-it!"

"Language," Naruto said.

"S-Sorry Agent N-Nine," Hinata said, rolling her eyes. Itachi raised an eyebrow at the name. Agent Nine? Could it be referring to the Kyuubi, or was it something else?

"Come on, let's at least try to cheer Lord Differ up," Naruto said, dragging Hinata.

Sasuke turned to Itachi once again, and this time he was moping. "Naruto's a UDC-A. The only reason he is one is because he has lots of free time that he dedicates to the Underground!"

"And Hinata Hyuuga?"

"She's a UDC-B, same as me. She's also one of the two allies I have in the Hyuuga Clan."

"Your ally is the heir of the Hyuuga Clan!"

"I'm the heir of the Uchiha Clan," Sasuke said.

"N-No, you're not! I was born before you, remember? That means that I am the Uchiha Clan heir right now!"

"I heard you debating with yourself about whether you should give your position to me or not. Honestly, before that, I never thought about it. But, since you seemed to favor giving me the role, I decided to embrace it."

"...you were eavesdropping on me?" A chill went down Sasuke's back and some voice in his head, which sounded exactly like Itachi, whispered, _"You have exactly ten seconds to fix this before you die."_

"W-Well, uh, the...walls in the Compound are thin...and, uh..."

Sasuke was saved by Naruto, who walked over to them. "Hey Itachi! Thanks for helping me paint the Academy, I would have been a lot harder if you hadn-woah, Agent Fire, what happened to you?"

"Oh, uh, nothing," Sasuke said, glancing nervously at Itachi. But, Itachi seemed to have already forgotten about it. Instead, he was chatting with Naruto.

"A-Are you sure you'r-re okay, Lord-d Differ?" Hinata asked.

"Yeah *sniff* I'm fine." Hinata gave him a warm smile. She walked back and stood next to Itachi. She motioned for him to lean down next to her face.

When he did, she whispered, "M-Make Lord Di-iffer cry a-again and I-I will ******* kill y-you." She never once stopped smiling or staring warmly at Lord Differ. And somehow, it just made her scarier.

"How did you know it was me?"

"L-Let's call it...women's int-tuition."

"R-Right..."

"Itachi Uchiha," Lord Differ said suddenly. Itachi stood and met his gaze. "I can assure you that I am not Danzo."

"I can see that," Itachi muttered.

"That aside, I brought you here for a reason."

"Is that reason to explain why you are selling sensitive information on shinobi?"

"What? No! ...and by 'no', I mean that that's not what we do, not that I won't be telling you...just listen to me. Yes, we do have information on shinobi, but it's not exactly sensitive information." Lord Differ suddenly grinned. "You know that we're the Underground, but do you know what the Underground is?"

"An illegal organization that is running without the Hokage's permission."

"Can an illegal organization run with Hokage's permission?" Naruto asked out loud.

Itachi cleared his throat, "Let's, uh, move on..."

"We are not...I mean technically we are," Lord Differ said, "an illegal organization running without the Hokage's permission, but what I meant is that the Underground is the head of the Blackmail Market."

"You mean the Black Market?"

"No, I mean the Blackmail Market. The Underground collects any information that could be used as blackmail. Then, it gets sorted into two places. One, is the file of who it happened to, and second is rank."

"You do realize that is still really bad right?"

"The security here is airtight. The only reason you've gotten through so easily is because you had Agent Fire, a UDC-B Agent, with you."

"Easy? We had to go through at least ten security checks to get here. They found and removed a fifth of the weapons I keep on myself. That's a ******* lot!"

"Exactly, easy."

"Seriously?"

"Anyway, the Underground also runs the Rumor Mill."

"...the Rumor Mill is an organization?"

"Yes, run by us. Now, before you worry, none of the information we have can be used against shinobi, anyway. Unless, of course, they're willing to give up village secrets to ensure that no one will know how much they weigh or something. Which is unlikely. Besides, only citizens and shinobi of Konoha are able to buy our information. The Rumor Mill, however, is open to anyone who is authorized to be in Konoha."

"...so you're telling me that you've got dirt on pretty much everyone in the Village?"

"Yes. You can find out anything from how many guys Hana Inuzuka has kissed so far, to how much of the money provided to the Uchiha Police Force is used on coffee machines. Although, I'm sure you already know that." He did. It was sad, really. "There is still an ongoing effort to get a picture of Kakashi Hatake's full face, however I doubt we will be seeing that anytime soon...

"So, Itachi Uchiha, will you be reporting us to the Hokage?"

Itachi snorted. "Of course I am. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure the Hokage won't care about you now. He'll probably acknowledge your existence, and you'll be a legal organization running with the Hokage's permission."

"Still, do not report us."

"I will report you."

"Don't."

"I will."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Big Brother..." Sasuke started before he was interrupted.

"I've got it!" Lord Differ exclaimed. "Itachi, do tell the Hokage, but I'll be coming with you."

"M'kay!"

"Lord Differ..." Sasuke said with a sweat drop.

* * *

"Lord Hokage?"

"Ah, Itachi, my boy, why are you here?" The Hokage was smiling, but beads of sweat trickled down his neck. _He's going to go crazy about how little information I gave him, isn't he?_

"Well, I finished the mission-"

"Really? That was fast. I thought it was at least going to take you a week."

"...Anyway, I've brought the leader of the organization."

Lord Differ walked into the room, and the Hokage choked. He stood, glaring at him. "Danzo, I should have known it was you! But for you to go so low as to sell information on Shinobi? You really are-" Hiruzen stopped.

 _"Danzo"_ was now in the corner of the office, moping.

"Even the Third Hokage thought I was Danzo," he muttered. "Why does everyone think I look like him? I don't!"

Itachi sighed. "Lord Hokage, I can definitely say that he is NOT Danzo. He just looks like him."

"R-Right, sorry..."

"His name's Lord Differ. Though to you, it's probably just Differ."

"Yes, well, my apologies, Mr. Differ."

"A-Accepted." And suddenly, Lord Differ was on his feet again, chipper as ever.

"Itachi, my boy, please leave the room while I have a...discussion with him."

Itachi shivered and decided that, yes, his best chance of keeping his sanity was leaving the room.

* * *

"You're done already?" Itachi asked as Lord Differ exited the room. "And you're still in one piece. I'm impressed."

"Yes, I'm done. You can go in now."

"Right." Itachi walked into the room, then stopped.

The Hokage was laughing maniacally. Another shiver ran down his spine. What kind of agreement had they come to?

* * *

Omake:

Lord Differ walked down the hallways of the Hokage Tower, trying to remember the way out. He finally came to the lobby at the bottom, then stopped.

Danzo was standing there right across from him. They stared at each other. Danzo stepped left. So did Lord Differ.

Danzo stepped right. So did Lord Differ. They slowly walked forward, circling each other, and suddenly they were on opposite sides of the room. With a weary glance, Danzo went up to the Hokage's office and Lord Differ left the tower.

Everyone else in the lobby sweat dropped. _What on earth...?_


	5. The Coup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Uchiha are planning a coup, and their reasoning is pretty sound...

Itachi and Sasuke Uchiha were mad. And hungry. And sleepy. Why? Because their father decided that they're mature enough to attend the late-night Uchiha Meeting.

As they walked into the building they were using to meet (the Nakano Shrine, which is HUGE), many Uchiha stared. Both sons of the Clan Head were still in their pajamas, had bed-head, and were glaring daggers at everyone (the older one also had his Sharingan fully activated, which was terrifying).

"Okay, who called a meeting late at night?" Sasuke said.

Itachi was going to say something to follow up, but something shoved him from behind, and, in his half-awake state, knocked him forward.

"Ugh..." he said, then shoved off the thing that knocked him down.

"Zzz..." Itachi blinked and stared down at the thing.

The "thing" was actually Shisui, also in his pajamas, snoring away on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Itachi!" Itachi looked up blearily and saw Shisui's father, Atsushi, who was old enough to be his grandfather, panting in the doorway. Shisui's mother, Kamiko, who looked young enough to be his sister (though she was actually in her early forties) also stood there.

"Itachi, I'm sorry. Shisui didn't wake up, so I had to carry him here," Kamiko said.

Itachi first stared at Atsushi, who hadn't carried Shisui and was panting in the doorway, to Kamiko who HAD carried him, yet wasn't showing any signs of even being out of breath. Yep, it was official. All Uchiha women were terrifying.

"It's alright," Itachi said with a yawn. "Waking him up would be cruel. He just came back from a mission an hour ago, after all. He needs his sleep for the other one he's going on today..."

"However, he is a loyal Uchiha, so we must wake him up," Fugaku said. Mikoto sighed.

"No, Father, don-" It was too late. Fugaku had bent down and shook the sleeping Uchiha.

Shisui's eyes bolted open and, suddenly, he was in the far corner of the room in a defensive stance, his eyes unfocused. When they cleared, he blinked. "Oh...hi..."

He laughed sheepishly as all the other Uchiha stared at him.

"Sorry, habit."

Fugaku cleared his throat. "Right, well, I now call this meeting to order." Any complaints from sleepy clan members were silenced by his serious tone. He meant business.

* * *

Fugaku sat at his place, a podium that was raised a foot higher than the floor. He was on a cushion that made his height even higher. Mikoto sat to his right on a similar cushion, and Sasuke and Itachi sat to his left on mats ( _"Extremely comfy mats"_ as Sasuke would later say).

On the floor sat the rest of the clan that was authorized to come. The closer the family to the podium, the higher their status.

As a result, Shisui and his family sat right in front of the podium.

"Now, the reason why we are here is...the planned coup."

"Coup... chicken coop... farm... wheat... cereal... breakfast... yum," Sasuke said groggily.

"Sasuke!" Fugaku yelled. Sasuke bolted awake.

"Huh?"

"We are discussing the plan of the Coup. It has been proposed many times over, and now is the time to either finalize the plans, or scrap the whole thing."

"Coup...as in starting a civil war in Konoha?" Itachi asked.

"...yes."

"Okay, well, I'm against it," Shisui said. Many others nodded in agreement.

"Listen to the reasoning first," Fugaku said calmly.

"What reason could you possibly have for wanting to start a civil war?" Shisui said.

"...It's because of where our compound was moved, isn't it? Constantly under watch of the government. And the rumors pertaining to the Kyuubi attack. That's it, isn't it?" Itachi asked. Silence reigned over them.

"Huh?" Fugaku said.

Sasuke sighed. "The real reason father wants to do the coup is because of our lack of government funding."

Itachi stared at his father. "Half of the money you use for coffee and coffee machines is enough to renovate the whole Clan compound. We have MORE than enough funding!"

"But we need the coffee! How else are the police supposed to function with our ridiculous hours? And the Elders," he nodded toward said elders, "had a unanimous vote to get coffee machines set up in every Uchiha's house. As you know, when all the Elders are in agreement, they can overrule the Clan Head."

"There is no such rule!" Itachi said incredulously.

"Well, there is now."

"How are we not bankrupt?" Itachi yells. Fugaku blinks, then seems lost in thought.

Finally, he shrugged. "I have no idea. All common logic says that the Uchiha should be broke, especially with the side project I've been funding."

Itachi sighs. "What is EVER logical when it comes to the Uchiha? Also...what side project?"

Fugaku suddenly looked serious. "Itachi, it's a very important side project." He looked at the rest of the Uchiha, too. "Nearly everyone in the Clan can benefit from it." Itachi's interest peaked.

"What is it?"

"Plastic surgery."

"...What?"

* * *

"So, let me get this straight," Itachi said. "You are gathering enough money for every Uchiha with wrinkles to get plastic surgery."

"Yes."

"Do you not hear how horrible that sounds?" Shisui says.

"What is so horrible about it?"

"You are _encouraging_ your family to get _plastic surgery_! How is that not horrible?"

"It's not THAT bad..."

"Actually, looking from a political point of view, it is." All eyes turned to where that voice had come. It was Sasuke, who had yet to speak on the plastic surgery matter.

"Be quiet, Sasuke, the grown ups are discussing things," Fugaku said impatiently.

"Fugaku, he's your son, you should listen to him," Mikoto said lightly. She sounded like she was just scolding her children's slightly neglectful father, but in all actuality, she was making sure that her idiot husband didn't go unchecked. Honestly, what had happened to him in the last few years? He used to actually make good decisions. Luckily, she knew that Sasuke had a very tactical mind, even more so than Itachi. Sasuke thought like a _proper_ Clan Head, which Fugaku had been before his descent into stupidity.

Fugaku frowned at his wife, about to tell her that the only reason Sasuke had come was that he had remembered Sasuke's fear of waking up to an empty house, but then saw that look in her eyes. He immediately started sweating and said, "Sorry, Sasuke, please go on."

Sasuke nodded, then turned to the rest of the Clan. "Getting the whole clan plastic surgery is very bad from a political point of view. The most obvious reason is the money. Wasting that much is absolutely unnecessary and very stupid. Next, what would the rest of Konoha think when most of the Uchiha suddenly got plastic surgery? They'll think that we're being petty and tacky. It would suggest that we are not perfect and are trying to cover that up. That is considered a very cheap tactic, and the public will view the Uchiha the same way: cheap. It could tarnish our reputation, which is, after all, not caring about others and being above everyone else."

"While I disagree with you on the reputation thing," Shunsuke Uchiha, another member of a higher-ranked Uchiha family, said, "I do believe that he is correct about everything else."

Sasuke nodded. "Thank you. Father, I still don't get why you even thought about doing this. It's against ancient Uchiha tradition, after all."

"What tradition is there about _wrinkles_?" Fugaku said incredulously.

"Come on, did you forget the tale of Tomohiro Uchiha?"

"...Who?"

"Did you even read the manuscript? It's in the Clan library, along with all the other ancient Uchiha texts. You guys have read that, right?" he said, turning to the crowd. They stayed silent. Sasuke groaned.

"Seriously? It's open to any Uchiha, and it's a fascinating tale! Has NO ONE read it?" More silence. "Fine, I'll tell it to you! Once there was a man named-"

"Wait, should we really be telling stories?" Shunsuke asked.

"Shut up," Sasuke said, with a terrifying glare.

"R-Right, sorry."

"Anyway, once there was a man named Tomohiro Uchiha. He was a brilliant child, the pride of our clan. He seemed to make things brighten whenever he stepped into a room, which was amazing, considering he was an Uchiha," cries of disagreement sprung up in the room, but Sasuke ignored them, "but, one day, he seemed horribly down.

"His brother, Manabu Uchiha, saw this and asked him what was wrong. Tomohiro told him that he saw wrong in our clan-"

"What do you mean he saw 'wrong'?" Shunsuke asked.

"Well that's what the story said, okay! Anyway, Tomohiro said he saw wrong in our clan. That wrong was how we thought. He said that we always strived to achieve perfection. In that struggle, we did many horrible things to get there. Tomohiro told his brother that if the clan kept thinking like that, if we constantly obsess over perfection, and eventually power, we would also form a distrust to others and others would form a distrust for us. It would be our demise.

"Manabu knew that his brother had rarely been wrong, so he grew worried. He told the Clan Head, and the Clan Head came to Tomohiro asking what they could do to stop that from happening. Tomohiro said that instead of striving for perfection, we must think ourselves always perfect, but always improving. Don't focus on the superficial, focus on self-improvement. That way, though we won't completely avoid our downfall, that is impossible, we can at least carry on our legacy longer. The End." Sasuke paused. "I know that some of his answers contradict his others, but that's the writer's fault. He was cramming too many excuses into one story, but he did have a good point. The reason the Uchiha never got plastic surgery before is because of that story, which said that we are already perfect in the superficial. I liked that.

"But, other than that, the story was basically just an excuse for why the Uchiha are known to act like we are the best and tend to disregard others opinions on us."

"...That was very boring. You expected us to read something that boring? It's not even a tall tale!" Shunsuke said.

"Actually, that was just one of the stories out of the book. I agree, it isn't the most exciting one, but the rest is really cool. It's about the trouble Tomohiro, his three brothers, and his sister get into. Although, in the end, he loses favor with the Clan and ends up getting executed for various reasons...but it's still a good read _(not to mention I've seen you read several dictionaries)_! The manuscript is called 'Tomohiro the Great' if anyone wants to read it."

No one said anything. Sasuke sighed. He turned to his father. "And that's why it goes against Uchiha tradition to get plastic surgery. It's considered trying to achieve superficial perfection. Mother used to tell it to me, as well as a few other tales, as a bedtime story."

Mikoto smiled, but Fugaku turned to her. "You've read 'Tomohiro the Great'?" Mikoto nodded. "Why didn't you say anything when he asked?"

"I raised my hand but no one was paying attention to me," she said politely. Though she looked calm, her husband could see that she was extremely ticked off at the fact that no one had noticed her.

"Well, anyway..." Shisui said, trying to break the tension, "now we can move on to a more serious problem. I've got a stalker."

Everyone stared at Shisui, then, suddenly, Kamiko stood up, a terrifying look in her full sharingan eyes. "Who. Is. Stalking. My. Baby?" Shisui sweat-dropped.

"M-Mother, calm down. I'll tell you." She stared at Shisui and nodded, sitting back down. "Okay, so the guy who's stalking me is called Danzo. At least, I think he is. That's what he told me. Anyway, I always find him following me at least once a day and at first I thought he was just planning on assassinating me, that's not new or anything, but now I think it's...something more."

"What do you mean 'something more'?" Itachi asked.

Shisui sighed. "I think he...likes me. Like, _like_ likes me. You know what I mean?" Kamiko looked horrified. Of course, what kind of mother wouldn't be? Your child is being gone after by someone more than three times their age.

"Are you sure that's why he's tracking you? He might be trying to gather information on you and the rest of the Uchiha," Atsushi suggested.

"Then why is he following _me_? Why doesn't he follow Itachi? Also, I always hear him muttering about my eyes."

"...Maybe he wants your Sharingan," Itachi said.

"Why does he need _mine_? Why can't he take, like, I don't know, _anyone else's_?"

"You have a special Sharingan. You know, you have the Mangekyo Sharingan and, with that, you have Kotoamatsukami. I think that's it."

"No, I'm telling you, he LIKES me!"

Itachi sighed. This was going to take a while.

* * *

"Now, everyone is agreed that, while Shisui is being stalked, it isn't because Danzo likes him?" Fugaku asks. Nods all around. "Good. Now, onto the coffee issue. We still need more money-"

"No, we don't," Sasuke said. "If you put all the money you were taking away for plastic surgery back into the budget, we'll have more than enough money. Itachi and I'll help you manage it, though, since you seem to be having trouble with that."

Ignoring the jab to his ego, Fugaku stares questioningly at Sasuke. "I never told you how much money I put into the plastic surgery fund."

Sasuke smiled. "I know."

"Okay...I guess we won't be needing a rebellion after all. This meeting is adjourned. You can go back home and get some rest now."

"Get some rest?" Mikoto said, a warm smile on her face, though her voice was chillingly cold. "Dear, it's dawn. You have to get to work, Sasuke needs to go to the Academy, and Itachi has a mission lined up. Not to mention the hot mess you left our relationship with the Himura Clan. Now I have to get ready for breakfast with the Clan Head, Nori Himura, in less than thirty minutes and somehow smooth things over. After that, I still need to look over all of the Uchiha household affairs. Honestly, this whole meeting was...unnecessary."

Fugaku was pretty sure that Mikoto wanted to use a word much stronger than "unnecessary".

"R-Right, we must leave, and I, uh, apologize for the...wasted time." Fugaku quickly left, Sasuke and Mikoto following him at a more leisurely pace.

Itachi sat down next to Shisui. "I can't believe Father did that. He's so...clueless sometimes." Itachi waited for Shisui to answer, but all he got were snores. Itachi sighed, and then slung Shisui's arm across his shoulder. "Come on, you're on this mission with me, remember? Let's report to Lord Hokage."

As Itachi stood up, he nearly fell over. How had Kamiko carried Shisui? Itachi barely had the state of mind to think that question as he blearily stumbled out the door, Shisui still snoring away.

* * *

Omake:

"Mikoto, I see you've finally arrived...are you feeling alright?" Nori Himura asked.

"Don't worry about it, Nori. My husband was just being an idiot," Mikoto said tiredly. Nori nodded, taking another bite of her food.

"So, Mikoto, when are you going to tell Fugaku that everything's fine and that you're only coming to these meetings to get away from there?"

As Mikoto pulled her fingers through her hair, she found her comb that she had frantically tried to use to calm her hair, and then lost, and sighed. "Not anytime soon, that's for sure."


	6. The Interviews

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi loathes ANBU so much...but he doesn't really have a choice, so...

"Seriously?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"What?" Fugaku asked, a confused look on his face.

"You really want me to go and try to get back into ANBU after what I said to the Head of ANBU Operations?" Itachi asked incredulously.

"...Yes?"

"You do know that this is probably going to fail, right?"

"Knowing you, my son, you'll still somehow manage to do it," Fugaku said, smiling. Itachi was suddenly sulking in the corner of the room.

 _I have lost all faith in him after the whole "The sky is green" thing, which is still going on,_ he thought, _but I still want to make him proud! Why am I such an amazing person?_

"Uh...Itachi?" Fugaku asked. "Are you okay?"

"Y-Yes," Itachi said, wiping away some anime tears, "I'm fine, Father. I'll do my best to get back into ANBU." _Even though I REALLY don't want to._

Itachi walked out of the house, and Fugaku stared at him as he left. When Itachi was out of sight, Fugaku let out a sigh of relief. "He bought it," he muttered.

"Fugaku, are you sure this is a good idea?" Mikoto said, coming out of the living room.

"Don't worry, Mikoto, it will benefit the Clan."

Mikoto sighed.

* * *

"You want to join ANBU again?" the Hokage asked.

"Yes, sir."

"Well, I don't see any problems. Just get the paperwork from the Head of ANBU Operations, and I'll sign. It should be simple, since you were previously an agent."

Itachi chuckled nervously. "Well, Lord Hokage, I was, uh, wondering if you could sign me up without me meeting the Head. I was already in the system before, so..."

"Itachi, you know the rules. You still have to get approval from the Head. Don't worry, it's not like he would give up such a valuable agent."

"Y-Yeah..." Yep, Itachi was screwed.

* * *

Komohiro Yuma was an...odd man. And when he was young, he had been an odd boy. He failed the Academy graduation once and, unlike most other civilian-born students who failed, decided to retake the exam again the next year. An ANBU, Ox, spotted his potential and took Komohiro under his wing. Komohiro graduated, and went into ANBU soon after, quickly rising up the ranks.

He had worked hard, completed more S-Rank missions than he cared to remember, and had killed so many people that his hands were LITERALLY stained red (which is why he rarely ever took off his ever-present gloves), and yet, he thought, here he was, dealing with a brat who wanted back in after what he had said to him.

"No."

"Lord Komohiro, please accept my apology! I was sick and wasn't myself! I promise that I will do well!" Itachi said desperately.

"Too bad. I'm not letting you back in, no matter how good you are." He leaned back. "Look, brat, you insulted me. It doesn't matter whether you were sick or not because, if you were sick, that meant you have no filter. Which, in turn, means that you, deep down, meant everything you said to me. I can't have anyone who disrespects me in ANBU. That means doubt, so..."

"B-But it never got in the way before! Don't you remember how many successful S-Rank missions I've lead?" Itachi yelled, half ludicrous.

"No means no. Besides, you're thirteen. You should be hoping that your crush doesn't notice you staring at her, not hoping that your target won't notice you getting ready to assassinate them. Now, go color or something."

Suddenly, Itachi's eyes were in full Sharingan. "I am a Jounin of the Leaf Village, a former ANBU Captain, and heir to the Uchiha Clan. I am not a child." His sharingan disappeared and his scowl turned into somewhat of a pout. "Besides, no self-respecting thirteen-year-old draws. We make art!"

Komohiro felt the sides of his lips twitching upward. "Nice try, but I'm still not letting you in. However, I think T&I might benefit with you..."

Itachi grumbled something and walked out of the office. What would he tell his father now? He couldn't just go home and say he failed. It was like an S-Rank mission, one does not simply come back after failing an S-Rank mission, they retry at least three more times.

And that's what Itachi decided to do.

* * *

"So...you want to apply to ANBU?"

"Yes." Komohiro stared at what looked like a twenty-year-old man who had blond hair, black eyes, and was two feet taller than he was. "I specialize in ninjutsu and genjutsu. And I am very proficient in taijutsu."

"Right...so, what is your name again?"

"Itaso Unamura."

"Yeah, get out of my office Itachi."

"****."

* * *

"Wow...another recruit..." Komohiro said sarcastically. The "new recruit" ignored him.

"My name is Nima Misori, and I specialize in genjutsu and taijutsu," said a girl with black hair, pale skin, and black eyes. Basically she was Itachi in a dress.

"Well, Itachi, you make a cute little girl, but please go."

"Darn it, foiled again!"

"Get out."

* * *

"Who are you?"

"Robert Smith," he said with a strange accent. "I come from a land across the sea and-"

"Itachi, out."

* * *

"Again? This is the twelfth time! Leave me alone! It's my only off day and I still have a bunch of paper work and-"

"I wanted to apologize, Lord Komohiro," Itachi said.

"W-What?"

"I wanted to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have wasted your time by going under nine different aliases, excluding my own, and trying to get in."

"Well, well, well," Komohiro said, "What caused this change of heart? Have you seen the error of your ways?"

"Yes," Itachi said. "I've also seen the look of pure fury in the desk attendant's eyes when I came back."

"Oh. Well, that works, too. Also, you took on ten different aliases, excluding yourself, remember?"

"No, I only took on nine."

"No, there was Bhima Gupta, Xian Wu, Nami Misori, Eduardo Azarola, Robert Smith-"

"Robert who?"

"You tell me. You chose the name."

"I never became a Robert."

"Really? Well, that would explain why he acted so mad when I pushed him out of my office and started speaking a different language..."

"Wow."

"I should probably go find him and apologize."

"Yeah."

* * *

"Father!" Itachi yelled as he walked back into his house. "I'm home!"

"Ah, my son, I-"

"Look, Father, I'm sorry! I tried to get back in, I really did! I tried a bunch of different times as a bunch of different people and...I'm sorry." Itachi sulked.

Fugaku chuckled. "Oh, I knew that you weren't going to get back into ANBU. Komohiro told me what you said to him and frankly, I'm surprised that he didn't incinerate you on the spot."

"W-What? Then why did you put me through all of that?" Itachi demanded.

"Well, your mother and I have a surprise, that's why we kept you out of the house until it was ready."

"A surprise? What is it? A new sword?" Fugaku shook his head. "No? Is it a book?" Shake. "A ticket to a movie?" Shake. "A ticket to the Serpents game?" Another shake. "WHAT IS IT?"

"A wife."

"What?"


	7. Yandere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi's parents try to engage him to Yumiko Himura, and he soon finds out that there's something weird about her, and he knows someone is watching him. But, why...

Itachi sat there awkwardly. Sitting across from him was Yumiko Himura, the girl that his parents intended for him to marry. Itachi should have seen this coming, the relations were already bad with the Himura Clan. But was an engagement, especially one between the Uchiha Clan heir and the Himura Clan Head's niece, necessary?

Well, at least his parents weren't marrying Sasuke off.

"So...we will be discussing the details in the main hall, so why don't you two get to know each other?" Fugaku got up and went to the main hall with Nori Himura. Mikoto had already gone to the kitchen to get some snacks, so Itachi and Yumiko were alone.

Itachi took a deep breath. Though he hated the fact that he was getting an arranged marriage, especially to someone he just met, he knew that it was business. Very important Clan business. Marriage between clans was pretty extreme these days. So, Itachi would treat it like Clan business.

"So, Ms. Himura-"

"Please call me Yumi!" she said.

"Okay. Yumi...tell me about yourself."

"Oh, well, I think you're amazing! You have so much talent, are amazing at the ninja arts, and look so good...did I say that out loud?" Yumi blushed. Itachi stared. All she told him was that she liked him. And Itachi didn't like the way she looked at him...

"Ms. Himura?" Itachi turned and saw Sasuke standing at the door. Yumi smiled.

"Ah, Sasuke! It's been a while since I've seen you! And how many times have I told you to call me Yumi?" She flashed Itachi a dazzling smile, then went back to looking at Sasuke. "Anyway, why did you stop coming around, Sasuke?"

"I, uh, kept getting more homework from the Academy, and, um, I didn't have enough time," Sasuke stammered. "Oh, can I borrow Itachi for a minute?"

"Of course! He's your big brother!"

"Th-Thanks. Itachi, come outside with me for a second."

* * *

"What happened in there?" Itachi asked. "You know Yumi?"

"First, let me ask you something," Sasuke said. "Is she your girlfriend, or is it arranged?"

"Uh, Mother and Father arranged it."

"****!" Sasuke muttered.

"Sasuke, language!"

Sasuke ignored him. "If she was your girlfriend, I could get you to break up with her, but if it's arranged, both the Uchiha and Himura Clan are supporting it...I should have believed the rumors...I was an idiot." Sasuke sighed and dragged his hand through his hair.

"What are you talking about?"

Sasuke stared up at Itachi. "You wanted to know how I knew Ms. Himura?" Itachi nodded. "Well, as you know, I'm a UDC-B Agent. That means that I get orders directly from Lord Differ, and a while back, he ordered me to gather some information on Yumiko Himura. So, when Iruka Sensei gave us the Charity Assignment-"

"Charity Assignment?"

"Basically, the civilians and other ninja families get to make us do D-Ranks without giving us pay."

"Ah, I remember now. I never had to do it because I skipped that year..."

"Lucky..." Sasuke mumbled. "Anyway, the Himura Clan put out a very convenient request for someone to be Ms. Himura's birthday planner. I don't know why they had so much faith in a bunch of seven-year-olds...anyway, I immediately took the job. Even after the assignment was over, I kept coming back to help Ms. Himura with whatever she needed...I finally got Lord Differ to let me stop..."

"How long did you have to go?"

"Two months..." Sasuke moaned.

"What? I didn't notice you going anywhere for two months straight!"

"Well, you barely ever came home for two months straight," Sasuke said.

 _Oh, right,_ Itachi thought, _this was probably back when I was still in ANBU._

"A-Anyway, please continue..."

"Yeah, well, I begged Lord Differ to let me drop the assignment. It took another Agent being a witness for him to finally let me stop!"

"Witness for what?"

Sasuke eyes seemed to glow with fright, in stark contrast with the shadows around them. "Sh-She..."

"Sasuke," Itachi asked, slightly panicking, "what happened?"

"SH-SHE'S A ******* YANDERE!"

"Huh?"

"E-Every time I went there, she wouldn't stop talking about you!" Sasuke said frantically. "It was always 'Itachi's so amazing!' or 'I love your big brother!' It was ******* creepy! It's even creepier because she's two years older than you! Sh-She had a shrine dedicated to you! She had photos of you all over her walls!" Sasuke was practically yelling now, though not loud enough for Yumi to hear. "A-And, there was a rumor going around the Himura Clan compound that one of the servants was going to ask you out. The day after Ms. Himura found out, the maid..." Sasuke gulped, "was found stabbed to death in the Clan compound's garden! A-At first, I gave her the benefit of doubt, b-but then, I saw her getting rid of a bloody knife...YOU NEED TO GET RID OF THIS ENGAGEMENT!"

Itachi stared at a trembling Sasuke in horror. "Why didn't you report her to the authorities?"

"B-Because," Sasuke said, "I...was terrified. I was scared she'd find out and...and..."

"Sasuke..." Itachi whispered.

"Oh, good, you believe me."

"...Huh?"

* * *

"Wait, so you pretended to be crying so that I would be guaranteed to believe you?"

"Yep."

"So, none of that stuff you said was true?"

"Oh, it was all true. Including the part of me being terrified of her," Sasuke said smiling, sweat on the back of his neck. "I'm not facing anyone who's killed someone else out of pure jealousy, thank you very much."

"...I'll beat you up later. First of all, we need a plan. I'm not getting engaged to a yandere, no matter how beneficial the alliance would be."

"Y-Yeah, I'll call Shisui, he might want to help. You just go back and keep Ms. Himura occupied." Sasuke ran out of there.

* * *

"Your brother's gone to your friend's house?" Yumi asked adorably.

"Y-Yeah," Itachi said, fighting to keep a blush off of his face. First of all, she was way too close. Second of all, he was starting to think she was cute. And by cute, Itachi meant the way you look at pictures of kittens and think "Oh my god, that's adorable!".

Honestly, her hair was very blond, reminding him of a white furred kitten, and she had the same kitten-like face. All he could think about was how easy it would be to get away with murder with that face. A cute face is rarely ever suspected. He should know, he'd used his cute face many times.

"A-Actually, I just remembered that he's getting my cousin...well, I guess he's technically my fourth-cousin once removed, but I bet you'll love to meet him!" Itachi grinned, sweat collecting on the back of his neck.

"Oh...yes, I would love to meet him..." _Actually,_ Itachi thought as he saw the look in Yumi's eyes, _I think you'd like to punch him._

"Yumiko," Fugaku said as he walked into the room. He raised an eyebrow. Yumi was practically sitting on top of Itachi, and the blush that Itachi had failed to subdue just made matters worse.

"Yes, Mr. Uchiha?" Yumi said with a cute smile.

"Ah, yes, your aunt wants to speak with you."

"Oh, okay!" Yumi kissed Itachi on the cheek (Itachi choked on air) and skipped out of the room.

Fugaku stared at Itachi in silence. Itachi put his hand over the cheek she had kissed him on. "Father."

"Yes?" Fugaku asked. Had he finally found a girl he liked?

"Get me a bottle of bleach. It might take a couple of washes to get rid of that feeling," Itachi said, cringing.

Fugaku sighed. Well, at least he knows for sure that that was still Itachi.

"Sasuke, what the-"

"Come on, it's important, it's about-" Sasuke's eyes widened as he saw his father sitting in the living room with Itachi. And Itachi looked like he wanted to kill someone.

"What's so important?" Fugaku asked.

"W-Well, since Big Brother is getting engaged, I thought that Shisui should help with something since, you know, they're...close?" Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut. _Please don't notice my horrible lying skills!_

"...Oh, okay! You three can talk. I need to meet Nori Himura again." Fugaku stood up and left the room after giving Shisui a quick, polite smile.

Itachi sweat dropped. "Did he really not notice anything?"

"He's going senile," Shisui said sagely. "Now, what's this about Itachi getting engaged? And isn't Nori Himura the Himura Clan Head?"

"Guess what? I'm getting engaged to Yumiko Himura, the psychotic niece of the Himura Clan Head!"

"...psychotic? I think we have a lot to talk about."

* * *

"So, you're getting engaged to a girl that liked you so much that she killed someone?"

"Yes."

"Dude, your life is _messed up_."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Yes!" Sasuke yelled suddenly.

"Huh?"

"I've found a loophole!"

"What loophole?" Itachi asked frantically.

"Well, Itachi, since you have to be at least fifteen years old to get engaged, you're technically only getting betrothed. I mean, that's basically engagement, but it's not an officially authorized thing by the Konoha government. When you turn fifteen in two years, you and Yumi will get engaged. Then, when both of you are, or older than, eighteen, you'll get married. That's how it usually works."

"...how does this help Itachi?" Shisui asked.

"Well, Clans traditionally start planning the wedding and making other negotiations on the day of the engagement. So, Itachi, since your thirteen, you still have two years before that happens. If we wait until then, it'll be really hard to get rid of the engagement without causing serious harm to both of our clans. Oh, and breaking off an officially recognized engagement requires a LOT of paperwork, which is never fun."

"So, basically, we have to stop this whole thing before Itachi turns fifteen?" Shisui said.

"Yeah."

"I'm doomed," Itachi muttered. "Father will never listen to me. Mother probably doesn't have a say thanks to the stupid patriarchy. I won't be able to do anything and soon, I'll be engaged to a girl that would probably kill any other girl who comes close to me..."

"Hey, we don't know that. I mean, you've been in contact with a lot of girls, and she's only killed one." Shisui paused. "Okay, so that probably wasn't very reassuring..."

"Okay then, she'll kill anyone who wants to date/marry me," Itachi amended. "That actually doesn't sound so bad."

"Uh, Big Brother, that's most of the girls, and quite a few of the guys, in Konoha."

"...oh yeah. Well, this is terrible."

"The only thing we can count on is her not figuring that out. Obviously, she hasn't found out that pretty much everyone has a crush on Itachi. She's just going after anyone she found out does," Shisui said.

"...you do know that our family has a separate room filled with letters confessing their love to me, right?"

"It's settled," Shisui and Sasuke synced, "you're screwed."

"I know..." Itachi moaned.

* * *

"He loves me," a petal fell from the rose. "He loves me not," another petal fell. "He loves me," the the last petal fell to the ground. The girl who held the rose in her hands smiled.

"I knew it! We're meant to be!" She sighed and laid down on her bed. "Perfect~" she said in a sing-song voice. She let the rose stem fall on the floor.

She got up and skipped happily out of her room to go meet Itachi, her true love. The moment she stepped outside, though, she heard a whisper. She narrowed her eyes and carefully walked to the corner of the hallway, listening.

"-es, Lady Yumiko of the Himura Clan is being betrothed to Itachi Uchiha!" one of the maids said.

The girl's eyes widened in horror. That sea urchin was going to marry HER beloved? She clenched her fists.

"Yes, and they say that Itachi doesn't even want to marry her. In fact, he hates her!"

Her eyes widened. No! She had to save him! In the name of true love!

* * *

"So...you're Itachi's cousin?"

"Actually, I'm his fourth cousin once-removed," Shisui said nonchalantly.

"...what does that even mean?" Yumi asked, obviously not impressed.

"Well," Sasuke said, "it's actually pretty easy once you realize how it works. So, if you're cousins, you share the same grandparent. If you're second-cousins, then you share the same great-grandparent. Third-cousins, a great-great-grandparent, and Fourth-cousins, a great-great-great-grandparent. Shisui's great-great-great-grandparents are Madara and Izuna Uchiha's parents. But, Madara and Izuna's parents are Itachi and mine's great-great-great-great-grandparents. What you do then is take the cousin with the lesser number, Shisui would be the Fourth-cousin, and put a 'once-removed' after it to indicate that one of them has a higher number, Itachi and I would be the Fifth-cousins. See, done! Shisui is Itachi's and my Fourth cousin once-removed."

"...oh."

Sasuke strained to keep his smile on his face. He was looking at a girl who had killed someone! Well, his brother has also killed people, but that was different! Or was it? What was the point if they still die- _wait, no, bad Sasuke! Don't get all philosophical! It only makes thing worse!_

Whatever. All he had to do was keep the psycho busy until Itachi came back from...wherever he went. He better have a good reason for straight out booking it out of the room...

* * *

Shisui's jaw clenched as he gave Yumi a polite smile. Oh, she was annoying and fairly creepy, but that's not what was setting him on edge. Someone was watching them. Obviously, whoever was watching them was good, judging from how well they covered their chakra signature, but still not good enough.

It was obvious that Itachi had noticed, too. In fact, he had immediately left the room to find this person. What was taking him this long?

"So...are you and Itachi close?" Yumi asked.

Sasuke snorted. "They've known each other forever. I swear, they're BFFs."

Shisui's face went red. "No we're not! We're-" suddenly, there was a flash of lightning and all the lights shut off.

Sasuke and Yumi let out a shriek. Shisui sighed and did a few signs that created a faint light in his hands. He sweat-dropped as he saw Sasuke and Yumi clutching each other.

When they noticed, they both shoved each other away.

Sasuke cleared his throat. "Wow, I can't believe it's already dark. Where are Mother and Father?"

Yumi sighed. "Your parents and Aunt Nori left to do something. It's just the four of us in the house."

"Yeah, about that-" Shisui was interrupted by the clang of metal-on-metal and calls of Jutsu. He laughed and continued, "We have an unwanted fifth person..."

* * *

Itachi ran silently through the halls. He had felt the presence of someone else...someone strangely familiar...he had to check it out.

Where...THERE! Itachi hurled a kunai at the moving shadow in the wall.

An ANBU came out and dodged the kunai with its own. Itachi stared. _What the heck?_

"Ita-" He didn't let the ANBU finish.

He quickly went through a few hand signs, yelling, "Fire Style: Grand Fireball Jutsu!"

The ANBU quickly went through a set of hand seals, too. "Water Style: Water Wall Jutsu!"

It wasn't enough to stop the gaint ball of flames, but it bought the ANBU enough time to do a quick Kawarimi.

"Who are you," Itachi asked threateningly.

"I'm-"

"WHO ARE YOU?" Itachi turned, startled. It was Yumi who yelled that, Sasuke beside her.

Shisui was suddenly behind the ANBU, a kunai held at the ANBU's throat.

"HOW DARE YOU THREATEN MY BELOVED HUSBAND!" Yumi yelled.

"Wait, I'm not-" Itachi began, but the ANBU member interrupted him.

"YOUR husband? He doesn't even like you! He should be MY husband!"

"What?" Sasuke said. Shisui took of the ANBU's mask, and Itachi gasped.

"Benihime?" he said incredulously.

"You know her?" Yumi demanded.

"Yeah, she was one of the ANBU recruits that I had to teach." He looked at Benihime again. "I remember you specifically because you turned down promotion just to study under me. At the time I just thought you were being wise and noticing your disabilities, but now..."

"You did it just to stay with Big Brother because you like him!" Sasuke yelled. "You creep!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A CREEP, YOU BRAT!"

"Shut up," Shisui muttered.

"YOU SHUT UP!"

"Look, I'm the one with the kunai at your neck here."

Benihime decided to ignored him, choosing to talk to Yumi. "He doesn't even like you!"

"Yes he does!" Yumi yelled, turning to Itachi. "Right, Itachi dear?"

"No, he doesn't!" Sasuke said. "Because you killed that poor servant just because she liked him!"

Yumi blinked. "What?"

"DON'T YOU DARE DENY IT!"

"But I didn't kill Sumi! She was my favorite maid!"

"Oh yeah, then who killed her?" Sasuke yelled.

"I did." Everyone turned to Benihime

"Wait, you killed her?" Shisui asked.

"Yes. I was helping out at the Himura Clan compound-"

"Wait, I don't remember you coming to the compound!" Yumi said.

"I'm from the Inuzuka Clan and I was sent to help tame your cousin's puppy. That's why you didn't see me. Anyway, I heard that maid talking about how she wanted to steal Itachi from me, and I couldn't help myself. I killed her. Then I put my knife in your room so that you would get the blame."

"Th-That knife was the one that killed Sumi?" Yumi asked, horrified. "I-I thought that the clan butcher was being careless!"

"Then, when I saw you throwing away the knife, I thought it was you who killed the servant..." Sasuke said. "I'm sorry."

Shisui's eyes narrowed. "Why are you telling us this?"

Benihime smiled. "Because, I may be going down, but I can take Yumiko with me!" She broke out of Shisui's grip and lunged for Yumi. Suddenly, Itachi was there. He hit a spot on her neck and she immediately passed out.

"Don't you dare kill my fiancée."

Yumi looked shocked, then her face was bursting with a grin. She hugged Itachi. "Oh, my dear husband loves me~!"

Itachi shoved her off. "Quit it. I'm only okay with this because you're not a murderer and it's good for our clans. Nothing more."

She grinned. "Sure. 'Nothing more'."

Itachi sighed. "Whatever. Also, I need to work with you on your obsession with me, but first, let's get the authorities to deal with Benihime." He stared down at said girl that was still unconscious at his feet. "To think, she had so much potential. Well, come on, Shisui."

Shisui helped Itachi pick Benihime up, and they walked through the hallways to the front entrance, careful not to accidentally walk into a wall in the dark.

Sasuke and Yumi stood in silence, before Sasuke said, "Well, I guess you wouldn't be the worst sister-in-law. But seriously, we have to talk about your obsession with Big Brother-"

A scream echoed through the house, and then Itachi yelled, "What the heck, Sasuke! Pick up your damn legos!"

Yumi and Sasuke burst out laughing.

* * *

"Itachi, you'll be happy to know that Benihime Inuzuka was dealt with," Fugaku said. Itachi nodded. Then he went to walk out the door. "Where are you going?"

"Oh, I'm meeting Sasuke and Shisui at the Himura Compound to force Yumi to take down her pictures of me."

Fugaku smiled as Itachi left the house. He knew Itachi would like her.

* * *

Omake:

"Itachi," Itachi heard Yumi call. He walked towards the sound of her voice, then realized what room she was in.

He ran over there and flung open the door. Yumi was sitting in a pool of envelopes the reached Itachi's knees, all of which were pink and decorated with hearts.

"Itachi," Yumi said once again in a chilling voice, "what are these?"

Itachi laughed nervously. Today was going to be a long day.


	8. Return of the Underground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Sasuke comes home one day and demands that his big brother come somewhere with him, Itachi ends up in charge of a hot mess that Obito Uchiha had left behind...

Itachi groaned and opened the door. It was five in the morning on his day off, and he was NOT happy.

"WHO-Yumi? What are you doing here at five in the morning?"

"Oh," Yumi said adorably, "I made you breakfast! It's the most important meal of the day~!"

Itachi blinked. "The most important thing at 5:00 AM is sleep. Goodbye." He slammed the door shut. Then opened it again. "But breakfast is still important, so thank you!" Itachi grabbed the plate of food out of her hands and slammed the door shut once again.

Yumi grinned. "I knew it~!"

* * *

"Itachi, it's five in the morning. What're you doing?"

Itachi faced his father and shoved some more food into his mouth. "Eating. Duh."

"...yes, but why are you eating?"

"Well, Yumi came-"

"Oh, that was who was at the door?"

"Yeah. Anyway, I so went to figure out who decided waking me up was a good idea. Yumi was just standing out there with a plate of food and she told me that she made it for me to eat. I got mad at her and slammed the door in her face. Then, I felt bad for her and accepted the food. And, since I was already awake and food was ready, I brushed my teeth and ate." He put more food in his mouth. "I've got to say that it's really good."

"The food?"

"No, this book that I'm reading. I mean, the food's good, but this book is REALLY good. It's, you know, Tomohiro the Great. After this, I'm going to read this book that a man from a land in the faraway west gave me. Well, he gave it Lord Komohiro, and Lord Komohiro gave it to me...anyway, it's called 'Julius Ceaser' by a guy named Shakespeare. It's written in play form. But, it's in another language, so I have to track down this man and ask him to teach me the language...on a related note, I won't be having much free-time for the foreseeable future."

"...Oh. Okay then. Well, I hope you enjoy the book. If I have enough free time, I might pick it up when you're done. Well, I have to get back to my duties as police chief-"

"Lord Fugaku! There was a break-in at the bank at East Edge! They're holding everyone inside hostage! We-" The Uchiha, who had been frantically looking around for his commanding officer, stopped as I saw the Clan Head staring at him next to his son who was wearing his pajamas and was still chewing some of his food. "Ah, I'll, um, wait outside." The poor policeman walked out of the house.

Fugaku sighed. "I leave for ten minutes and suddenly there's a fire."

"Uh, there was just a break in and hostage situation," Itachi said.

"Wait for it."

"Lord Fugaku!" the policeman yelled, once again bursting into the room, his walky-talky- sorry, I mean "two-way radio"- in his hand. "A fire was just reported at South Side!"

"Of course. Deploy the fire-department to the fire. Honestly, that should have been the first place people called. I'll go to the bank personally."

"Yes, Lord Fugaku!" the policeman said, bowing to Fugaku and leaving the room. Itachi's mouth was wide open.

"H-How?"

Fugaku smiled. "You're not the only one who's good at something. Now, I need to go. Bye, son!" Fugaku quickly left the room.

"Well," Itachi said, "my faith in him has definitely been restored."

* * *

"I guess I could get a few more minutes of sleep," Itachi muttered. He opened the door to his room, then choked. There, on his bed, was a blanket. A blanket that Itachi did not own. On the blanket was a note:

_To My Dear Husband,_

_I made you this blanket out of the finest materials in the elemental nations! And, every strand of hair that fell from my head while I was making this has been sown in! That way, I'll always be with you!_

_With Love,_

_Your Faithful Wife_

_P.S. I hope you loved the breakfast! And remember, it's not nice to slam a door in someone's face!_

Itachi let out a high-pitched scream and passed-out, wondering how, exactly, she got into his room.

* * *

Itachi was quietly reading when his book was snatched out of his hand. "Hey, I was just getting to the best part!" Itachi yelled.

Standing in front of him was his little brother. Sasuke ignored him and said, "I need you to come with me."

"Get someone else!"

Sasuke stared at Itachi. "It's about business in the Underground." Itachi's face suddenly went serious.

"What happened?"

"I'll tell you when we get there."

* * *

"Hey, Mina!"

Mina, who was once again sitting on top of the monkey bars, looked at them and sighed. "Y'all are back already? Well, should prawlly get it o'er with!"

"What do you mean 'get it over with'?" Sasuke demanded.

Mina already had her eyes shut, making a seal with her hand.

"Fine!" Sasuke yelled. "Screw you!"

Mina opened her eyes and pouted innocently. "A-Are you bullying me?"

Sasuke muttered dangerously at her and grabbed Itachi's hand, dragging him to the entrance. "Oh, she's good," Sasuke growled. "But not good enough. I'll get her back."

Itachi sweat-dropped.

* * *

"Lord Differ," Itachi said.

"Itachi," Lord Differ said back.

Sasuke couldn't take it anymore. "SAY SOMETHING ALREADY! THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME YOU'VE SAID EACH OTHER'S NAMES!"

"Ah, right, sorry," Lord Differ laughed sheepishly. He cleared his throat. "Itachi Uchiha, I hereby name you Agent Flame, an OS-UDC Agent of the Underground."

"What?" Itachi said.

"What do you mean?" Lord Differ asked, confused.

"You didn't even ask me about this! And what the heck does OS-UDC mean? Actually, I know UDC stands for Under Direct Command, but what does OS stand for?"

"OS," Lord Differ said, "Stands for On Standby. It means that most of the time, you are not an active Agent, but I can call you in when needed. Other Agents need to constantly do work for the Underground, but OS Agents don't. Although, that means that they rarely move up the ranks."

"So, I'm just on standby? I guess that I'm okay with that, as long as it doesn't interfere with my missions for the village."

"It won't."

"Great. Now, did you bring me here just to tell me that?"

"No. You see, there's something I need you to take care of," Lord Differ said.

"What is it?"

"Well, you know Obito Uchiha?"

"Yeah. He died in the Third Great Shinobi War. I have faint memories of meeting him."

"Yes, well, he was part of the Underground-"

"Why does it feel like _everyone_ is part of the Underground?" Itachi asked.

"Nowhere near everyone is," Sasuke said. "The Fourth Hokage was, though."

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

"Wow."

"Anyway," Lord Differ said, "Obito Uchiha, before he left on his...final mission," his voice took on a sorrowful tone, "he was working on a mission for us. At that point, we were making it mandatory that any Agent leaving the Village left their work to another. Out of everyone he trusted, he chose you to take up his mission. He said that you were the, and I quote, 'coolest kid ever and totally capable of doing this'."

"...so basically, he left me this mission in his will?"

Lord Differ sighed sadly. "Basically."

Sasuke was silent, then, "Big Brother, Lord Differ always told me stories about Obito. He was one of the best Agents the Underground had ever seen, one of the only 20 UDC-As in the whole century that it has been operating. I know you're capable, but seriously, you bETTER LIVE UP TO MY EXPECTATIONS!"

"O-Okay," Itachi said.

"Good."

"Anyway, Lord Differ, what's my mission?"

"Right. As you know, the Underground needs information. What Obito was working on was information on Kakashi Hatake." Itachi choked.

"K-Kakashi?" Itachi had worked with him when he was in ANBU. They had grown close, too. It was also thanks to Kakashi that Itachi got out of ANBU.

Itachi also realized that he had yet to meet him since then.

"Yes. This also means that you are now responsible for getting a picture of Kakashi Hatake's face."

"I'm a genius, not a miracle worker!" Itachi screeched.

"I am well aware of that, and that is why it is not mandatory. However," he gave Itachi a creepy smile, "though it is not mandatory, the feeling of burden will fall over you. It will consume you. The only thing that you will be able to think about is getting. That. _Picture."_ His grin brightened up again. "But I'm sure you'll be fine!"

Itachi felt a shiver go down his spine. What had he just signed up for?

* * *

"Hey, Sasuke," Itachi said, "if Obito gave me the mission during the Third Great Ninja War, why did Lord Differ wait until now to tell me about it?"

Sasuke thought for a moment, then said, "Well, I think there are two likely answers. The first is that his office is a huge mess and he didn't remember until he found the contract, or," Sasuke suddenly gave Itachi a sinister smirk, "he's making one of his plans. And, his plans. _Always. Work."_

* * *

Lord Differ sighed as he walked into his office. Papers were strewn all across the floor, sticky notes were hastily stuck onto the wall, and the room smelled richly of coffee, the only thing keeping him awake right now.

"Honestly, it's a miracle I found that contract," he muttered. He walked over to his desk, the only part of the room that was neat and tidy. "The plan might have been ruined if I hadn't found it soon. I could have just...ah, but the chain-smoker wouldn't have let me." He rubbed his forehead. "The Hokage's making this unnecessarily complicated. We should have gone with my first plan."

He spun his office chair around, facing the wall behind his desk. There, was a huge board. At the top of the board was one name.

Orochimaru.

Lord Differ looked at the board, going over every bit of information. There were hundreds of sticky notes with rumors surrounding said missing ninja before his defection, all of which he now had to go over. He narrowed his eyes. "Time to set the milk for the cobra."

* * *

"Kakashi!" Itachi yelled as he banged on Kakashi's front door. He could feel Kakashi's chakra signature, fully awake and healthy, inside the house. It was also on the other side of this door.

"Come on, open up!"

"Says the guy who hasn't visited in _TWO. *******. MONTHS!"_ Kakashi's voice sounded from inside the door.

"I'm sorry! I've been busy!"

"Yeah, I've seen how busy you are, walking around town, reading books, talking to girls!"

"Okay, my little brother made me read that book, and I've only talked to one girl-"

"HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?!"

"Shut up!" someone yelled. Itachi turned, startled. An old man walked out of the apartment next door. "Some of us still need their sleep! What are you even doing- _hey_ , wait a minute, are you the Hatake brat's friend? The one he's always moping about because you don't come around?"

"Ah, um, I guess?" Itachi said sheepishly.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Go in there and apologize! Save everyone else from having to hear his sob story again at the bi-weekly building get-together!"

"But he won't open the door!"

"We're ninja! Why don't you act like one and use the window?" He pointed his walking cane at the ledge. "It's a few feet to the right. You'll be fine."

"Uh, okay?"

"Good! Now, go!"

"Yes sir!"

* * *

Itachi stared at the window. He was standing on the side of the building, and probably would have been a sight to see.

But right now, he had a dilemma. Kakashi had sealed his window. Like, literally sealed. There were probably several seals painted onto it. It seemed that any jutsu done to break the glass or come inside the house would be harmless. How would he get inside... _wait..._

Kakashi had ONLY placed seals to stop jutsu, and that theoretically meant...

Itachi walked down the side of the building, and when he reached the ground, he grabbed a rock and walked back up the wall.

"This won't work," he muttered to himself. Nevertheless, Itachi steeled himself and hurled the rock at the window. It shattered. His eyes widened. He had done it. He was about to climb in, but then he noticed the room. It was painted pink, smelled of paint, and had little princess dolls all around it.

A little girl, maybe five years old, opened the door, saw him, and screamed.

He had broken the wrong window.

"I'm dead," he muttered.

* * *

"Seriously?" Kakashi said angrily as policemen ran around, trying to make sense of the situation. The screeching alarm wasn't helping. "You broke someone's window? Do you have any idea how expensive it is to fix that?"

Itachi sighed, head down. "It was an accident. I'll pay for their window, no matter how expensive."

"You better!" Kakashi said. "They're already struggling with debt!"

"I'll pay that, too."

Kakashi raised his eyebrow. "Itachi, that would make a total of 60,000 Ryo. 55,000 Ryo in debt, 5,000 Ryo to fix the window."

Itachi furrowed his eyebrows. "I thought you said that the window was expensive. And how are they struggling to pay 55,000 Ryo?"

Kakashi sighed, shaking his head. "I forgot you were rich."

* * *

"Th-Thank you," the man said, staring at the check in his hand.

"No, my apologies for putting you in a hard situation," Itachi said, bowing to the man whose window he had accidentally broken.

"Oh, my boy, trust me, it was worth it!"

"He _actually_ paid for both his window and his debt," Kakashi muttered, dazed. "Not only that, but he payed another 40,000 Ryo and gave them a certificate saying that they were physically and financially protected by his Clan for the next three years as an apology from the Uchiha as an extra apology!

"How can someone be so rich and powerful?"

* * *

"So," Kakashi sighed, "you managed to get into my house."

"I didn't want it to be like this," Itachi said.

"Yeah," Kakashi said, "you wanted to confront me after you shattered my window and broke into my house."

"Gah, I was running out of options!" Itachi yelled.

"So you decided to break an entering!"

"I'm sorry!" Itachi wailed. He got onto his knees in front of Kakashi, his hands clasped. "Please forgive me! I was wrong!"

"What?"

"Please forgive me!"

"No, the other thing."

"I was wro-HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!" Itachi yelled as he found that Kakashi was barely holding back his laughter. "WHAT THE HECK, MAN!"

Kakashi burst out laughing, and Itachi eventually joined him.

"Okay, okay," Kakashi eventually said, "I forgive you. Besides, a grown man shouldn't keep a grudge against a child."

"What do you mean 'child'," Itachi said darkly.

"You do know that you're thirteen, right?"

"And I outrank you!" Itachi yelled.

"Not anymore! You quit ANBU, remember?"

"I've still retained the title of former ANBU Captain!" Itachi said, smirking.

"Oh yeah."

* * *

"So, Kakashi, I-" Itachi was cut off by a bunch of banging from the front door.

"Open up, Old Man!"

Kakashi's right eye twitched. "Not again..." He sighed, standing up and opening the door.

"What is it, brat?"

"I'm sorry Old Man, but just let me inside! It's urgent!"

The owner of the voice zipped into the house. Itachi's eyes widened. It was Naruto.

"What did you do this time, Naruto?"

"Well, I may have- oh, hey Itachi- I may have played a bit of a nasty prank on Iruka Sensei and he's chasing me and he'll probably come here now..."

"I-Iruka's coming here?" Kakashi stammered.

"Yeah. Oh, and I think he's still mad at you for getting me hooked on cup ramen."

"Iruka's coming here," Kakashi muttered. "And he's mad at me. I'm dead."

"Ah, he's not that-" Itachi tried to say.

Unfortunately, an aura of death surrounded them.

"NARUTO!"

* * *

"I'm always cut off!" Itachi sobbed, tears streaming down his face.

* * *

Itachi stared impassively as Iruka advanced on Naruto. "I-Iruka-Sensei," Naruto stuttered, "h-how are you?"

"I would be much better if you hadn't given the Academy's Principal a fake love letter from me! You know that she's been chasing after me!"

"Who's the Academy's Principal?" Kakashi whispered to Itachi.

"Her name's Bunko Satou. She's amazing with children. She also has a...keen interest...yeah, let's call it that, with Iruka Umino, who is also amazing with children."

"Oh...okay," Kakashi said. He stared at Iruka. "It looks like he doesn't like her."

"Yeah. He doesn't hate her, but he doesn't like her either."

"So-"

"Old Man Kakashi told me to do it!" Naruto yelled.

Kakashi stared, then, "I'M NOT OLD! And I never told you to do it!"

"Really?" Iruka said, staring at Kakashi. "First you get Naruto hooked on cup ramen-"

"I just told him that it's cheap and it tastes pretty good!"

"-then you creepily offered him candy if he went somewhere with you-"

"It was the Day of Demons and I thought that he would like to be my partner and win some candy in the treasure hunt that literally HALF of the village was participating in!"

"-and now you force him to play your pranks!"

"I didn't tell him to do it!"

"Sure you didn't!" Iruka snarled, closing in on Kakashi. Kakashi shot Itachi a pleasing look.

Well, Itachi thought, he did owe Kakashi one. "Iruka Sensei," he said.

"What?" Iruka snapped.

"I just wanted to ask about Sasuke's grades. I haven't been looking into them much lately, and I wanted to make sure he was still fine."

Iruka suddenly went into Smiling Happy Teacher Mode. "Ah, Itachi, Sasuke is best in the class! Actually, if it weren't for the new rules, he would probably be sent up a grade or two! I assure you, you don't have to worry about anything!"

"Thank you, Iruka Sensei."

"And don't call me sensei! I'm barely older than you, it's awkward!"

"You're six years older than me," Itachi deadpanned.

"See, I'm barely older!"

"But you're ninet-"

"I SAID THAT I AM BARELY OLDER!" Iruka yelled. He then cleared his throat. "Anyway, that reminds me that I have papers to grade!" He turned and glared at Kakashi. "I'll deal with you later."

When Iruka left, Kakashi, who at some point fell to the floor, muttered, "If _Iruka_ hates me, so must everyone else..."

Itachi sighed. "Kakashi, Iruka might hate you, but nearly everyone else in the village loves you! You have almost as many fangirls as me!"

"B-But Iruka-"

"Who cares what he thinks?"

"I DO!" Kakashi yelled. "I swear, he is an innocent little cinnamon roll and if he thinks I am a pedophile, then what does that say about me?"

"Kakashi," Itachi said, "you are a 21 year old man! Get up and DEAL WITH IT!"

"Itachi," Naruto said, "this is exactly how he acted when you didn't visit him."

"Oh," Itachi said. He just realized that, while he had spared the old man and many others from hearing Kakashi whine about him at the bi-weekly building get-together, Kakashi still had something else to whine about.

Eh, at least they'd get some variety.

* * *

"He fell asleep?" Naruto whispered.

"Yeah," Itachi sighed. "Poor little guy tuckered himself out."

"I didn't know raising a kid would be this hard," Naruto said, a grin on his face. Itachi and Naruto both laughed. When it died down, Naruto gave Itachi a serious face.

"So, OS-UDC, huh? Considering your abrupt visit, I'm assuming Lord Differ finally gave you Obito Uchiha's assignment?" Itachi nodded. "Well, you've already got your first bit of information: Kakashi is terrified of Iruka. It's great, really."

Naruto stood up. "I've got to go, but keep up the good work!" He walked towards the door, then stopped. He turned to Itachi, a sinister smile on his face. "I won't turn it in myself, just this once. After this, though, it's everyone for themselves. And though Sasuke might help you and guide you in the future, it's only because he loves you more than the whole freaking planet. No one else will help you, unless, of course, you give them something in return. We may be working together as Konoha citizens, but we're also competing to rise up as members of the Underground. Food for thought."

Itachi was silent. Then, he gave Naruto a grin. "Sure. Let's see how well you fare against a Jonin and former ANBU Captain." Naruto's smile never wavered, but his eyes narrowed. "Oh, and Naruto, I have a quick question."

"What is it?"

"If you're an UDC-A, why do you still fight to rise? Shouldn't you be fighting to keep your position?"

Naruto's smile widened. "How amazing would it be," he said, "if the next head of the Underground was also Hokage? Even Lord Fourth, a member till his death, was never its head. It would make things so much easier."

Itachi stared at Naruto. "No man should have that much power."

"Then a daimyo shouldn't have as much power as he does. It's all politics, Itachi."

"It's a very childish approach."

"It's not as childish as you think." Naruto smiled, turned around, and walked out of the room.

* * *

Over the next week, Itachi continued to gather more information.

* * *

Itachi knocked on Sasuke's door.

"Come in!" Sasuke yelled from the inside. Itachi opened the door.

"Huh?" Inside, Itachi saw that his brother's room was divided into two halves. One had all of his stuff: his bed, his dresser, his kunai and shuriken, and some random trinkets. Basically, what was supposed to be in his whole room was squished into just half of it.

On the other side was a desk. Just a desk. Fear not, Sasuke hadn't just wasted half of his room! The desk was covered in stacks of paper. And there were a bunch more stacks on the floor. Sasuke was currently at his desk, writing on some paper.

"Sasuke, what are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm doing homework," Sasuke said.

"W-WHAT? THE ACADEMY GIVES YOU THAT MUCH HOMEWORK?"

"No," Sasuke said, "it doesn't. I only got two pages of homework, it's not that bad. And this is just for the weekend. On normal weekdays, we don't get homework. Iruka Sensei is great like that."

"Then," Itachi asked, pointing to the other papers, "what's all of this?"

"Oh, this is paperwork for the Underground."

"H-Huh?"

"Yeah. You said that you were going to report all of your information at the end of the week, so I decided to wait until then to teach you how to submit it. Well, I guess it's time. You got all of your information?"

"Yeah."

"Well, then, come on in! I'll tell you how this works!"

It was at this moment that Itachi realized that he hasn't been in Sasuke's room for around a year. In fact, he was pretty sure his parents hadn't been here for a year, too. It was barely even thought about.

"Okay," Sasuke said when Itachi sat down in the chair next to him, "let's do this! Each different piece of information that you've got on Kakashi Hatake means a different round of paperwork. How much did you get?"

"Four different pieces."

"Wow! That's really good! Anyway, that means that you'll have to fill out four rounds of paperwork. When you're done filling out the paperwork, you give it to the IO Department. An IO goes over it...well, they go over your information...I guess I should go back to the beginning.

"You need to fill out two pieces of paper for each piece of information. One has YOUR information, like what your name is, your Agent Name of course, and what rank you are. The second has the actual information on it, but it has to be written in a code. When you send the information to the IO Department, the IOs are only reading YOUR information. They don't have a high enough ranks to see the information itself before it's sorted, so they don't know how to read the code. Instead, they send it to someone who can read it: ICs. IC stands for Information Classifiers. There are different levels of classifiers and what rank you are determines what level of classifier your information goes to. For low-level Agents, the classifier's word is final, that's where the information is put. For mid-levels, a group of three to four classifiers work to make sure it's accurately placed. For high-levels, like me, and special cases, like you, the classifier sends the information to the his commanding officer, an MID (Manager of Information Department) along with what he thinks the information should be classified as. The MID looks over it and classifies the information based on what he thinks. Sometimes, the MID can send it one level higher to a UDC-A. There are currently two UDC-As, and only one of them is able to do the paperwork. Naruto, it seems, can go many days without sleep and still function properly, as long as he has a lot of ramen and coffee.

"Of course, any level of classifiers, other than IOs, can send the information back because it's not explained properly, or not civilian friendly, as civilians are often the ones who buy this information. In which case, if it reaches Naruto, he has to give it back to the correct MID, who has to give it back to the right IC or group of ICs, who has/have to give it back to the right IO, who has to give it back to the person who submitted it."

Sasuke suddenly laughed sheepishly. "Most of this stuff was sent back to me all the way from Naruto. Apparently nothing I send in the first time is ever civilian friendly. I think that's what really started our rivalry, not the fact that I beat him at everything at the Academy."

Itachi blinked. "Oh," he said. "So, I have to turn in two pages of paperwork for each piece of information, which makes eight pages, four of which have to be in code, and in addition, I have to submit my normal paperwork for all the missions that I have done so far to the Hokage. Joy."

Sasuke giggled. "I guess it was unfair not to inform you beforehand."

Itachi sighed. "It's fine."

* * *

Omake:

"Itachi dear~!" Yumi sang.

"What?" Itachi asked curtly, not once taking his eyes off of his paperwork. Three of his four rounds had been sent back from Naruto, and now he was trying to figure out how to make them civilian friendly. Why couldn't Naruto just do this?

"I made you dinner~!"

"I'll come later," Itachi muttered. Yumi had come over today and insisted that she make dinner for his entire family.

"But you need to eat something!" Yumi said.

"I know, I'll come later. Can't you see I'm busy?"

"Itachi, you really should-"

"I said I'll come later!"

"ITACHI UCHIHA, EATING YOUR FOOD ON TIME IS IMPORTANT AND YOU WILL EAT IT NOW OR I WILL TELL YOUR MOTHER!"

Itachi looked up, startled. He narrowed his eyes. _She wouldn't dare, would she?_

Yumi stared back defiantly. Itachi sighed, defeated.

"Fine," he said, "but I'm eating dinner here so I can finish my paperwork!"

"Of course, dear~!" Yumi sang, skipping off to get Itachi's food for him.

From the shadows, Fugaku and Mikoto grinned.

"Fugaku," Mikoto whispered, "this is exactly how we used to act when we were first betrothed!"

"Yes," Fugaku said, "except you were a lot more grounded to Earth."

"And you were a lot more willing to do anything other than paperwork," Mikoto said.

"And I accidentally spilled tea all over you," Fugaku muttered.

"And I ended up beating you to an inch of your life," Mikoto said.

"Ah, young love."


	9. The Girlfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "WHAT DO YOU MEAN SASUKE'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND?"

_This is a bad idea,_ Sasuke thought. _A really bad idea! Think of all of the things that could go wrong!_

Another part of his mind whispered, _Think of all the things that could go right!_

So, Sasuke steeled himself and walked over to a girl. The girl that he had been wanting to talk to for the past two weeks.

* * *

"Fugaku, dear, what's wrong?" Mikoto asked. She had just finished writing a note to the florist about a new order and was now starting to cook while also going over the clan bills. She shuffled through the bills, then narrowed her eyes. "I still haven't gotten those papers from her yet..." Mikoto sighed and continued her work.

"Sasuke just came home," Fugaku said.

"And?" Mikoto persisted, pouring vegetable broth into a pot and then searching the room for a calculator and pen.

"He said he's bringing a girl over for dinner."

"Really? He made another friend?" Mikoto said with a grin, happy for Sasuke and victorious at retrieving the two items she was looking for.

"I don't think she's a...friend. He threatened me so that I wouldn't do anything embarrassing and that we would be nice to her. Then he went to tell Itachi the same thing."

"So...you think he likes this girl?" Mikoto asked, setting down the two things in her hands and turning on the stove.

"Yes," Fugaku said.

"Oh, honey," Mikoto said, putting a bit of soy sauce into the pot and stirring it with her left hand while writing down some numbers with her right, "Sasuke's seven. I guess he just has one of those cute little crushes that kids get."

"So it isn't serious?" Fugaku asked.

"Fugaku," Mikoto sighed, "of course it's not! Why are you so jumpy, anyway?"

"I don't know what to do! Itachi's never had a crush! Thanks to that, I can safely have him betrothed without feeling like a horrible person! I'm completely lost with Sasuke!"

"Don't worry, everything will work out," Mikoto promised. "For now, let's focus on making sure we don't ruin Sasuke's first chance at a girlfriend! I bet they'll hold hands and he'll kiss her on the cheek and they'll both blush like cute little angels! It'll be adorable, Fugaku!" Mikoto frowned. "Dear, you haven't told me her name yet."

Fugaku blinked, then laughed sheepishly. "I, uh, forgot to ask."

"Fugaku!"

"I'm sorry!"

* * *

Sasuke made a beeline for Itachi's room, determined to make sure that his brother didn't mess this up. Big Brother was so smart in practicality and calculations, but he was clueless in social situations.

"Master Sasuke?" Sasuke turned, brows furrowed. Master? The last person to call him that...

"Gah!" Sasuke yelped, jumping back. "M-Miss Ainu?" He remembered her. A few years ago, she was always around their house, working as his mother's assistant. She always seemed to be swamped with paperwork for some reason. She had left when she had triplets. Whom Sasuke babysat once, just to get information on Miss Ainu. He then discovered that he never wanted to have anything to do with babies again. Ever.

"Yes, Master Sasuke. My apologies for startling you. If it isn't too much of a hassle...could you take me to Lady Mikoto?"

Sasuke stared at Miss Ainu, then sighed. Itachi could wait a little bit. He had until six tonight, anyway. "Of course, Miss Ainu. Follow me."

They were almost, ALMOST, at the kitchen when Miss Ainu yelled, "Oh no!"

"What happened?" Sasuke asked frantically.

"I left the bills Lady Mikoto asked for at home!"

"Oh...do you need to go get them?"

"Yes," Miss Ainu said, panicking.

"Okay, I'll just-"

"Will you come with me to get them?" Miss Ainu asked.

Sasuke choked. "W-Why would you need two people to get a few bills?"

"Oh, I have some other things that I also need done for your mother and I might need someone else to help me." She paused. "Of course, you probably have something better to do, Master Sasuke, I apologi-"

"No!" Sasuke said, smiling on the outside, scowling on the inside, "I'll come help you! I bet it'll be fun!"

Apparently she didn't notice his eye twitching.

Oh, and Sasuke forgot that her house was all the way on the other side of the compound. Joy.

* * *

"Sasuke?" Itachi asked as he came out of his room. He thought he heard he brother's voice in the hallway. He walked into the main hall and saw him walking out the door with...was that Miss Ainu?

"Miss Ainu?"

"Oh, Master Itachi!" Miss Ainu said with a smile. "Master Sasuke is helping me with some errands for Lady Mikoto."

"Oh. If you need more help, I'm always available," Itachi said.

"I'm very thankful, Master Itachi, but Master Sasuke is more than enough."

"Okay then," Itachi said.

Miss Ainu was walking out the door, and Sasuke turned and said, "I'll talk to you when I get back, there's something I need to tell you!"

"Okay, Little Brother," Itachi said.

With that, Sasuke walked out the door. Itachi was about to go back into his room when his father ran out of the kitchen, chased by his angry mother.

"What do you mean you didn't ask for her name!" Mikoto yelled.

"I was a little preoccupied!" Fugaku yelled, diving behind Itachi for cover.

"It was one. Simple. _Question!"_ Mikoto yelled.

"Mother! Stop threatening Father with a kitchen knife!"

Fugaku whimpered.

"And Father, what the heck! Cover me, don't use me as cover! BE A MAN!"

Fugaku whimpered again.

"Now, will someone please explain what you're fighting about?"

"Your father," Mikoto said, "forgot to get the name of Sasuke's potential first girlfriend!"

Itachi choked. "G-Girlfriend?"

"Yes! And your father immediately stopped listening and came to me, complaining! How horrible can someone be?"

"W-Wait," Itachi said, "Sasuke has a girlfriend? He's seven years old!"

"No, Itachi, not a girlfriend, a soon-to-be girlfriend," Mikoto corrected.

"Still! Sasuke's only seven! He's not supposed to have a girlfriend! And why are you okay with this?"

"That's what I thought!" Fugaku yelled from behind Itachi. "She seemed so calm that I decided to go with it!"

"...oh," Itachi said. "I agreed with the grown man using me as a shield." Itachi paused. "I will now go and contemplate my life choices."

Itachi walked out of the house, Fugaku desperately calling for him the whole way.

* * *

"Miss Ainu?"

"Yes, Master Sasuke?"

"We've already got your bills, so..."

"Hm?"

"...well, why are we going in the direction _opposite_ of my house?"

"Well, I told you. There are I few more things I need to do for Lady Mikoto. The first thing is getting some dog food from the Inuzuka-"

"Wait, why do we need dog food?"

"Lady Mikoto said that she was planning something important, and that important thing needs dog food. Anyway-"

"Did she tell you what that important thing was?"

"No, Master Sasuke. Anyway, I was going to pick it up tomorrow, but it's ready today and I figured that I could surprise Lady Mikoto. Also, Master Sasuke?"

"What?"

"I'm allergic to dogs, so you'll have to enter the compound and get the order yourself."

"...fine."

"Thank you, Master Sasuke! You really are the most gracious and humble child on the pla-"

"Thank you, let's just get going."

"Yes, Master Sasuke!"

* * *

"Shisui!" Itachi yelled.

"Wha-Itachi?" Shisui, who was perfecting his aim with throwing both kunai and shuriken at the same time, turned, startled. Unfortunately, that meant that a few of his weapons headed towards who he was looking at: Itachi. "Look out!"

For Itachi, time seemed to slow. Shisui's aim was amazing, even when he threw haphazardly at the wrong target, but it wasn't as fast as it could have been. So, quicker than most could see, Itachi leaned to the side, and the weapons sailed past him, none of them even touching a hair on his head.

Shisui let out a breath of relief. "Itachi! Don't startle me like that! You know that I almost killed you, right?"

Itachi smirked. "Like you could. You know I'm way too amazing for that too happen."

Shisui pouted. "You know, you've acting a lot more arrogant ever since that time you got sick."

Itachi stared at him.

"I don't know," Shisui continued, "but it really feels like something's different. Not that you've changed, exactly, but it's like your filter has weakened."

Itachi continued to stare at him.

"Eh, must be my imagination," Shisui said, finally. "Anyway, whatever you want to tell me, be quick about it. I'm going to work on something after my training that will revolutionize reconnaissance missions- "

"Sasuke's got a girlfriend."

"You know what, revolution can wait."

"Thought so."

* * *

"Who-Wait, Sasuke?"

Sasuke had rang the bell on the Inuzuka Compound front gates. Kiba had been the one to open.

"What are you doing here?"

Sasuke sighed. "My mother ordered some dog food for...well, she won't tell me why."

Kiba thought "she" meant Sasuke's mother, but then Sasuke pointed to the woman on the other side of the street.

"...who's she?"

"She's Miss Ainu. She was, and apparently still is, my mother's assistant. She can't get too close because she's severely allergic to dog hair."

Kiba's eyes widened. "Oh my god! That's horrible!" He placed his hand on Sasuke's shoulder. "Tell her that I give her my condolences."

"...will do."

* * *

"I'm here!" Shisui exclaimed. He had run all the way to Itachi's house (because he apparently forgot that he was _Shisui of the Freaking BODY FLICKER)_ and was barely out of breath.

"Good. Now come on. If Mother hasn't killed Father yet, we might be able to figure out what to do together," Itachi, who was right behind him, said.

"Roger that, Gold Leader. Lead the way!"

"Last I remember," Itachi muttered, "they were in the main hall...maybe they're in the living room now. Also, love the name Gold Leader, let's make that a thing."

"Got it!"

* * *

"Here you go," Hana Inuzuka said, handing two large bags of dog food to Sasuke. He struggled, but managed to carry them. "That's everything your mother ordered."

"Th-Thanks, Miss Hana," Sasuke said, straining to give her a polite smile despite the bags in his hands. And they looked so light when she was carrying them...

"No problem, kiddo! And drop the 'Miss', it makes me feel old!"

"Alright, Mi-uh, Hana."

"There you go!"

"I-I should probably get going now," Sasuke muttered.

"Okay, and be careful! Those bags are heavy!"

"Of course."

"Bye!"

Sasuke walked out of the room that was filled with dog food. Kiba was waiting for him on the other side, Akamaru sitting on his head.

"Whoa, you really need that much dog food?"

"I guess," Sasuke said miserably. "Like I said, Miss Ainu won't tell me."

"Okay then." Kiba led Sasuke back to the front gate. On the way, Kiba said, "So, you invited her to dinner?"

Sasuke sighed. "Yeah. Right now, I'm trying to take my mind off of everything that could go wrong."

"Well then," Kiba said, "think of everything that could go right!"

"...are you somehow eavesdropping on my inner monologues?"

"What?"

"Nevermind."

"Well, Sasuke, know that me, and a lot of other people, are rooting for you. Go wow her!"

"Thanks, Kiba. I guess you're not as stupid as you seem."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Relax, it was a compliment!"

"Yeah, an insulting one!"

"Moron!" Sasuke yelled.

Kiba glared at him. They continued the rest of their walk in silence. Then, Kiba suddenly stopped. He had a giant blush on his face as he slowly turned to Sasuke.

"U-Um, Sasuke..."

"What is it?"

"I just remembered...you're already here and...well, my sister is horrible at this stuff, and my mother is too busy...so..."

"Spit it out, Kiba," Sasuke said.

Kiba squeezed his eyes shut and steeled himself. "Can you...help with my homework?"

Sasuke stared, then, "No."

"But-"

"No."

"Come on-"

"No."

"Help a guy ou-"

"No."

"Your mom!"

"No- _wait, what?"_

"Please, Sasuke!" Kiba said. "I have no idea what it's talking about!"

Sasuke sighed. "Fine. But I need to give these to Miss Ainu first."

"Thanks! You're the best!"

"And you're a moron!"

"..."

"Can't really argue if you forgot to ask Iruka Sensei for help, can you?"

"I didn't look at it, okay!"

"We had a whole hour to finish our homework at the Academy!"

"Well, I was sleepy!"

"Once again, MORON!"

"..."

"Heh."

* * *

"Um...Aunt Mikoto?" Shisui asked hesitantly.

"Yes, Shisui?" Mikoto said pleasantly.

"Well, I was wondering where Uncle Fugaku is."

"Oh...I'll tell you if you tell me where Itachi is."

"Itachi went looking for Uncle Fugaku."

"Well then, I think he's hiding in the Love Letter Room."

"Thanks! Quick question: Why?"

"I think the knife scared him."

"He's the Uchiha Clan Head," Shisui deadpanned. "Also, what knife?" Mikoto was currently going over notes from...someone. There was no knife in sight.

"He grabbed it and ran off...probably to burn it or something. It might be because that was the very same knife I used the time I nearly beat him to death when he spilled hot tea on me...I guess they're not very pleasant memories."

"Okay then. So, can you please stay here while me and Itachi find Mister Fugaku? We need to discuss the whole 'Sasuke has a girlfriend' issue."

"Sure."

"Great!"

Shisui ran off to get Itachi and find Fugaku who was, yes, ceremonially burning the knife in the Love Letter Room. Honestly, sometimes, Shisui and Itachi question his sanity.

Eh, it makes things more interesting.

* * *

"...and that's why a kunai thrown at a 45 degree angle from that height with those weather conditions would not hit the target shown."

"Wait, that's what it was asking? I thought it was asking WHAT it would hit!"

"Well, no, that would be a Chunin-level question. Wait, you mean that you know how to answer this with all of the jargon taken out? In which case, I could have just told you to get rid of any unneeded information and gone home?"

"Nope, I didn't understand that, either. Still don't. You're a horrible teacher."

"Well, screw you!"

* * *

"I hereby call this meeting to order!" Itachi yelled.

"Note: This meeting is unnecessary, Sasuke is perfectly fine, and-"

"Mother!" Itachi interrupted. "It's not fine! Sasuke is not old enough to date!"

"He never even said that she was his girlfriend," Mikoto said calmly.

"Wait, he didn't?" Shisui said.

"Well, no, he didn't," Fugaku, who was much calmer after the burning of the knife, said. "But it was very much implied."

"So...this meeting is based off of an implication?" Shisui asked.

"Yes, Shisui, it is," Mikoto said as she finished up calculating the total expenses of the upcoming celebration.

"Itachi! You're overreacting!" Shisui exclaimed, turning to said defiant thirteen-year-old boy.

"I'm not overreacting! I saw it in my brother's eyes when he said he wanted to tell me something important!"

"Maybe it was something else! Let's just settle on doing as Sasuke begged us. Let's not do anything embarrassing, just be nice and act like we're not a messed up family," Mikoto said offhandedly.

Everyone else sweat-dropped.

"Oh, and, where is Sasuke?" Mikoto said as she looked up.

"Uh, Miss Ainu needed him for something. I actually offered to go, too, but she said it wasn't necessary. He should be back by now..."

"Ainu? She finally remembered, huh?" Mikoto muttered.

"I guess. Anyway-"

"Lady Mikoto!"

All heads turned to the woman who ran into the room, one hand full of papers, the other somehow managed to balance two huge bags of dog food.

"I'm sorry that I'm late with the bills, but I picked up the dog food that you ordered!"

Mikoto blinked, then smiled. "Thank you, Ainu! Here, let me help you get all of that to Kiku's place...wait, where's Sasuke?"

"Oh, he helped me get dog food, but said he had to help the Inuzuka Clan Heir with something. I had already bothered Master Sasuke so much, and it seemed important..."

"Oh, I'm not mad at you, Ainu! I was just asking! Anyway, come on, let's go!"

"Yes Lady Mikoto!" Before she left with Mikoto, she turned and bowed to everyone else in the room. "My apologies for not acknowledging your presence sooner, Lord Fugaku, Master Itachi, Sir Shisui. I will be going now."

Before anyone could get in another word, she left, a bright smile on her face. Whether it was because she had talked to them or because she finally got to leave, no one would know.

Shisui was silent, then, "Sir Shisui? Do people actually call me that?"

"I thought the same thing when I first met Miss Ainu and she started calling me 'Master Itachi'. No actually. Her branch of the family in is very traditional...I tried so hard to get her to stop calling me and Sasuke 'Master'. She tried just as hard to get us to stop calling her 'Miss'. Finally, we agreed that she can call us 'Master' and we can call her 'Miss'."

"So...only her branch of the family uses all of these nicknames and stuff?"

"Actually, no. A lot of members around her status use honorifics. It's embarrassing. Have you really never heard it before?"

"Well, I tend to...not attend any Uchiha gathering that isn't required. That usually means that I won't be running in to anyone who calls me that. I even live in the middle of the Uchiha Noble sector. I usually use Body Flicker to get in and out of the Uchiha Compound, so-"

"I'll stop you right there, I didn't need that much information."

"Boys," Fugaku said, "are you done talking yet?"

"No."

Fugaku shrugged. "Okay."

* * *

"Hey, Sasuke?"

"Yes Kiba?"

"Are you going now?"

"Yes Kiba. I finished helping you with homework and I need to get back."

"Oh...well, can you sign this?"

"What?"

Kiba held up a picture of Sasuke that looked very glamorous...and photo shopped. Kiba sighed. "My cousin, Midori, blackmailed me into getting your autograph for her."

"...how old is she?"

"Twelve."

"Meaning she's five years older than me."

"...when you say it like that, it does sound very creepy."

Sasuke sighed. "I'll sign it, but I'm putting her on my _Avoid at All Costs_ list."

Kiba shrugged. "I don't really care."

Sasuke grabbed his picture and a sharpie from Kiba's desk, then paused. "I just realized that I'm seven, so I don't have good handwriting, and the Academy kind of glossed over the whole cursive thing..."

"Just write your name on it! If you want to make up for it, put a piece of your hair on it or something."

"...I'll just right my name down." So, Sasuke painstakingly wrote down his name in the neatest way he could. Surprisingly, it looked quite nice. He even drew the Uchiha Crest off to the side.

"Done!" Sasuke said, handing it back to Kiba, who paused.

"Can you give it to her?"

"No!"

"...it was kind of one of her requirements..."

"I don't care!"

Kiba sighed. "I didn't want to do this, Sasuke, but if you don't give it to her, I will make sure that every single piece of information you send to the Underground will be sent back." He leaned forward. "You know I can do it. I am a MID, after all."

Sasuke sat in silence, then spat, "Fine. No wonder you don't really care to rise up the ranks. You've already got so much power!"

"Here's her address," Kiba said, smirking. "It's near the entrance."

"Got it," Sasuke sighed.

* * *

"Y-You're Sasuke Uchiha!" Midori muttered. She had opened the door when Sasuke knocked. "Sasuke Uchiha came to _my_ house!"

Sasuke sighed, then put on a blinding smile. Time to go into Adorable Mode. It was taught to him by his brother (who was taught by their father, who was taught by his father before him, who was taught by his father before him, who was taught by his father before him, who was taught by his father before him...but his father didn't teach him since his father was, in fact, ugly, and unable to use it), only to be used in dire situations (aka, when confronting crazed girls) and honestly, Sasuke thought that he would never have to use it. He was hoping that he could go without attention until he was twelve or something.

Whatever. It's time to figure out how quick he could get out of here without ruining his image as a sweet little boy.

"Hi," he said adorably. "Kiba said you wanted my autograph...so I signed this picture!"

He handed it to her. Her eyes lit up even more. "Th-Thank you!"

Sasuke smiled, his head cocked to the side. "For what? It was the least I could do for getting such a pretty picture of me!"

Sasuke, of course, knew that the picture wasn't taken by her. However, Midori didn't know that he knew.

"I need to go now, my mommy's waiting for me...bye!" Another cute little grin and Sasuke turned on his heels and literally skipped off. When he went around a wall, he did a quick Kawarimi and ended up standing in the house's side yard. He sneaked to the front, the door was already shut, and put his ear to the window. He was making sure she bought it. He knew to never underestimate someone of a higher-rank.

"Mom, Dad!" he head her yell. "I'm going to quit the ninja ranks! I want to become a photographer!"

Sasuke blinked. Huh. Didn't his brother also drive a girl to quit being a ninja? What was her name...he was pretty sure it was Shinko or something...eh, who cares. All he knew is that his brother still gets dango from the dango shop she works in now. And said dango was delicious.

* * *

Sasuke was happily walking out of the Inuzuka Compound, humming the tune to a song that just wOULD NOT GET OUT OF HIS HEAD...not that he cared or anything.

He made it out...but was ambushed by a toddler. "What the heck?"

"Sorry!" Sasuke glared down at the toddler. Wait...wasn't this the Hokage's grandson? What's his name...

"You're Konohamaru, right?"

"No, I'm Konomaru."

"I think it's pronounced Konohamaru. You know, like the village?"

"No!" Konohamaru shouted. "I'm Konomaru! I'm different from the village!"

"I know you're different from the village," Sasuke said calmly. "But you're also named after the village. Thus, your name is Konohamaru."

"How do you know my name, anyway?" Konohamaru shouted. "I've never seen you before!"

"Yes you have," Sasuke said, now slightly irritated, "I came to the annual dinner that your grandfather hosts every year for every clan head and their family. My father's the Uchiha Clan Head. Remember now?" Konohamaru stared at him blankly. Sasuke sighed. "I was the one you kept throwing udon at."

"Oh yeah!"

Sasuke once again glared at the toddler.

"Oh, and sorry about the glue I got on you!"

Sasuke blinked and looked down. Sure enough, one of his hands was stuck on the toddler's arm.

"Konohamaru," Sasuke said dangerously. "How do you fix this?"

"Uh, I, um, don't know."

Sasuke took in a deep breath. "Whatever. Let's get to my house. I'm sure my brother can figure this out."

"Okay..."

* * *

Sasuke's hand was wrapped around Konohamaru's arm, so when Sasuke was leading Konohamaru to his house, it looked like he was dragging a naughty child somewhere. Many stared, but none had the courage to interrupt them. If the grandson of the Hokage got in trouble with the son of the Uchiha Clan Head, then what were they supposed to do about it?

So, Sasuke and Konohamaru weren't stopped. That is, until a bunch of feathers fell from the heavens.

Sasuke gasped for air as he broke to the surface of the pool of feathers. "What NOW?"

"Ah, sorry," a familiar voice said from above. He looked up and saw Kakashi Hatake, his brother's former partner in ANBU, and the one Itachi's last Underground mission had been about.

"Kakashi," Sasuke said, "why am I covered in feathers?"

"Well, Lord Hokage asked me to carry a bag of feathers to a civilian's house. It must have ripped when I jumped over you onto the next roof."

"Sasuke!" Sasuke looked to the side and saw that his toddler (that's what he's resolved to call Konohamaru from now on) was also covered in feathers, but unlike with Sasuke, he couldn't take them off.

"Did you coat all of yourself with the glue?" Sasuke asked. His toddler slowly nodded. "Great." He looked up to the ANBU member who was still eye-smiling sheepishly.

"I'll be going now. You figure out what to do with all of these wasted feathers," Sasuke said. He got up and walked away, dragging his feather-covered toddler with him.

Kakashi sighed. "Fair enough."

* * *

Honestly, they were a sight to be seen. The angry Uchiha, feathers on random places in his hair and shirt, and the now unrecognizable toddler who was covered in feathers, made a beeline to the Uchiha Compound, scaring away anyone who felt the need to inquire about the situation.

Until someone scared them. Sasuke let out a yelp, along with his toddler, when someone in a goblin mask jumped out from an alley. "What the heck?"

The man in the goblin mask just handed Sasuke a flyer. Sasuke looked at it. It said, "COME TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE THIS DAY OF DEMONS FOR A GOOD SCARE!" Afterwards there was an address listed, not that Sasuke cared.

"Thanks," he said, "but we really have to go right now." That's when he heard the sniffles. He turned and saw that his toddler was looking at the goblin with terrified eyes.

"Hey," Sasuke said, "don't cry."

His toddler cried. He cried oh-so-very hard.

Sasuke could here the apologies from the man in the goblin mask, but he didn't care. He ran to the Uchiha Compound.

* * *

He had made it inside the Uchiha Compound...and came face-to-face with Mister Jun, Miss Ainu's husband.

"...Master Sasuke?"

"Don't ask."

* * *

Itachi and Shisui were walking towards the door, arguing over the severity of this situation, when the door burst open.

Mister Jun bowed as Sasuke, a crazed look in his eyes, stalked towards his brother, dragging a crying, feather-covered toddler with him. He grabbed the front of his brother's shirt, pulled him down to his eye-level, then hissed, "FIX THIS."

Shisui stared, then muttered, "I'm, uh, going to go now."

Mister Jun once again bowed as Shisui left, then closed the door.

Itachi continued to stare into the eyes of his slightly-insane brother, who actually looked very close to activating the Sharingan...yeah, he was NOT going to let that happen.

"What happened?"

"I helped Kiba with homework," Sasuke muttered as he let go of his brother's shirt, "and walked out of the Inuzuka Compound. Then this toddler," he yanked on said toddler's (who was still crying) hand, "ambushed me. My hand's stuck to his arm. Then Kakashi," he said the ANBU's name like it was poison, "dropped feathers all over us. The toddler was covered in glue. A guy jumped out of the corner and startled us to hand us a flyer for a haunted house, but his goblin mask scared the toddler. Now he's crying." Sasuke looked back up at his brother. "FIX THIS!"

"Okay, okay!" Itachi said. "Come to the kitchen. Let's see what kind of glue we're dealing with..." He stared at the toddler. "What's his name?"

"Konohamaru."

"IT'S KONOMARU!" the toddler managed between wails.

"...he's the Hokage's grandson."

"I know that!" Sasuke hissed.

"...whatever."

* * *

"There you go," Itachi said warmly as he handed a non-sticky, un-feathered, no longer crying Konohamaru a lollipop.

"Th-Thanks," Konohamaru hiccuped.

"Why don't you wait in the Living Room for your uncle to come get you?"

"O-Okay," Konohamaru said as he walked out of the kitchen.

Itachi turned to Sasuke, who was picking the last of the feathers out of his hair. "Now, Sasuke," he said seriously, "I think I need to have a talk with you."

"I didn't mean to drag a sticky crying toddler-chicken through the village streets!"

"No, not that," Itachi said, "I want to talk to you about how you're way too young for a girlfriend."

Sasuke stared at Itachi, confused. "Girlfriend?"

"Yes. You know, the girl you invited over for dinner?"

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Itachi, the girl I invited over is Sakura Haruno, a UDC-A. You better not screw this up or it'll ruin all of my chances to convince her that I'm good enough to become a UDC-A so she'll recommend me!"

"...so she's not your girlfriend?"

"What? No! I mean, I'm grateful that she elbowed me in the head and made me smarter, but I'm way too young for a girlfriend. Maybe when I get older..."

"...oh. Eh, whatever. Come on, let's get you changed. You're never going to get a promotion in that outfit."

"Hey!"

"It's just a fact, Sasuke."

"Screw y- _don't carry me!_ I can walk by myself, thank you very much!"

* * *

"Sakura!" Sasuke said brightly.

"Hello Sasuke," she said.

"Let's sit in the Living Room. My mother is still setting the table..."

"Okay," Sakura said calmly. Sasuke nodded and took her to the Living Room. He blinked.

Konohamaru was still in there. He was also still licking his lollipop.

"Sasuke," Sakura said, "is that the Hokage's grandson?"

"My name's Konomaru!" Konohamaru shouted, but Sasuke ignored him.

"Yes, he is! I, uh, was helping him with something. If you'll wait for one second, I need to go check something. I'll be right back!"

Sakura nodded and sat next to the toddler, making small talk.

Sasuke dashed out of the room and confronted Itachi. "Why is Konohamaru still here?"

Itachi nodded, "I was actually coming to tell you. His uncle, Asuma, is off on a mission right now...and the Hokage thought it would be great for Konohamaru to spend time with us. I couldn't exactly tell him 'no', could I ?"

Sasuke sighed. "Okay...Mother and Father know, right?"

"Yes. Mother's making him food, too."

"Good. The last thing I need on my conscience is having a little kid starve."

"Yeah."

* * *

"Thank you," Sakura said as she bowed to Sasuke and his family, "for having me over for dinner."

"Thank you for coming!" Mikoto said.

Sakura smiled. "Of course I came. Sasuke asked, after all."

Mikoto's smile widened. "Well, I must go finish cleaning, so..." she grabbed a clueless Fugaku by the ear, and then sent a glance to Itachi. Itachi nodded, grabbed Konohamaru's hand, and promised to play ninja with him in the living room.

They all walked off, leaving Sakura and Sasuke alone.

"Your parents are very nice," Sakura said.

Sasuke grinned. "Thank you."

"Also," Sakura said, eyebrow raised, "Konohamaru had an interesting story to tell me about your adventure through the village."

Sasuke's eyes widened. "I didn't mean to! It was all and accident! He was the one covered in glue! I swear-" Sakura held up her hand, stopping Sasuke's rant.

"Sasuke," she said, "you're very interesting." She smiled. "I think I'll look into your files a little bit more, see if you're ready for a promotion."

Sasuke grinned the biggest grin Sakura's ever seen. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Sakura's smile turned sinister. "And don't think I won't be using this dinner for my benefit."

"I know you will," Sasuke said, "but it was worth it."

"Okay. Now, one more thing." She leaned over and kissed Sasuke on the cheek.

"What was that for?" Sasuke yelped.

"For your parents who are spying on us and can see this whole thing, but not hear it." Sakura winked. "Got to keep up appearances." She waved at Sasuke as she walked out the door. "Bye!"

Sasuke didn't move for a second, then waved back.

He didn't like her, as in _like_ like, but he still liked her. She was a great friend to have. _Maybe,_ he thought, _we could date someday._ But right now, he had bigger things to think about.

Like whether or not he should yell at his parents for spying on them.

Serious problems indeed.

* * *

"Sakura?"

"Yes, Lord Differ?"

"Your parents are merchants, right?"

"That is correct."

"Good. Tell me when their next trip to Kiri will be."

"Actually, Lord Differ, they're leaving for Kiri in three days."

"Huh. That's convenient. Here, ask your parents to deliver this letter to the address stated. Tell them that it is of utmost importance to make sure this letter isn't intercepted."

"Yes, Lord Differ."

"Good. You may go now."

"Thank you, Lord Differ."

"Your welcome, Sakura."

* * *

Omake:

"You got a girl to quit being a ninja?" Itachi asked.

Sasuke nodded. Itachi burst into happy tears.

"Oh, my cute little brother is so much like me!" he said, hugging said brother.

"Get off! You're suffocating me! SOMEONE HELP!"

I cackled as Sasuke's desperate pleas went unheard. What? A girl's got to have some fun!


End file.
